Judge Rho-Bot X-14 slammed her shiny silver gavel fist, soon after there was order in the court.
This whole idea of arming teachers to protect our children in the classroom is an interesting, mostly ludicrous concept. It conjures up images of my grade school teachers back in the ‘70s brandishing guns. These unsettling visions are ugly. My mind’s eye is nauseous and puking up chunks of transformed memories. Specifically, I imagine my 4th grade teacher barely able to hold a gun. She is simultaneously weeping, perspiring, trembling, and shaking; nothing short of panic. She is vaguely aiming at a deranged former student. Her mindset is: kill or be killed. She regrets all those years of avoiding violent Steve McQueen movies for naught, such a waste, as she squeezes the trigger.
Judge Rho-Bot X-14 shrieked, it sounded like shrill AOL dial-up, only louder and more succinct. Before short-circuiting, “No, you’re the moped!” A collective gasp in the courtroom sucked out a lot of oxygen. She was programmed to say moron.
There is only one teacher from my high school days that would have been very comfortable with a gun. That being said, he was also a racist. I wonder if I’d still be alive, or crippled, while he “protected” us. I’d like to think if Confucius was alive he might have said “Bad intentions are one thing, while bad intentions with a gun are another, while a sicko’s bad intentions with a gun are something else. Without a gun, it is merely intention.” Who knows, he might have said it. He was what we call in the business, a talker.
The only human jurist stood up and proclaimed, “Perhaps, if we reboot her, we can proceed. You know, like you do with your phone when it freezes up.”
By the way, I have a man-crush on this kid (that doesn’t sound right), Sam Zeif. After seeing him kowtow to current president and lord of the United States, Donald Trump, and conversing with Brian Williams® of MSNBC®, I was enamored by his togetherness. He knew and respected his place. To put things in perspective, when I was eighteen, my only epiphany was don’t mix more than three drugs, liquor included. Granted, Sam had the added experience of tragedy. More perspective, my idea of tragedy was Led Zeppelin® canceling their tour. How would I have responded? I can honestly tell you, I would not have been as eloquent as Zeif. I’m 55 years old, and I still don’t have half as much conviction as this new generation of activists. Sad. If I went through their horrifying experience, I’d be shell-shocked and loaded on Quaaludes®. Keep in mind, when I was eighteen years old , it was still a thing.
After waiting a good three minutes as she whirred, lights blinking, diagnostics, and general robotic start-up hoo-hah, Judge Rho-Bot X-14 awoke and said, “Court is adjourned… adjourned… adjourned.” The human jurist took it upon himself to turn her off.
The NRA conducted an assay to quantitatively measure your literal bang for your buck, by calculating the number of bullets to the number of deaths. The results were surprising. Current NRA chief, Wayne LaPierre and NRA spokesperson, Dana Loesch used their “privilege” to counter the logic of reasonable gun control. It went something like this: “Blah, blah, you like mass shootings, blah blah, second amendment, blah blah blah, shameful politicization of tragedy, more guns, blah, blah, yadda, more money. Blah, more guns. This all sounds like the real reason McDonald’s® doesn’t stand up to Congress to force more Americans to eat Big Mac’s®. It is an obviously unhealthy idea.