Fruit, fruit the magical bean, careful with that axe, Eugene.
Fruit is one of the essential tiers of the food pyramid, and a very important part of our daily health. Believe it or not, fruit used to be “delicious” back in the day; but today it’s just something you put in your mouth that’s only one-eighth of its former glory, maybe akin to an old man’s penis or a defective Everlasting Gobstopper. Here are five more facts about that thing we call fruit.
- One in sixteen fruit age backwards, just like Benjamin Button! Never saw the movie, nor read the book, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what it’s about. Don’t believe me, contrarian?
I bought an avocado once, and it was perfectly ripe, you know, you touch it and it’s not firm, it has that give, like pressing human flesh, or testing a steak for that perfect medium rare. By the time I got home, ready to eat my avocado, it was now very solid. Did the cashier switch my avocado for this unripe thing? Cashiers are well known for pulling these kinds of shenanigans. What was going on? Thankfully, I had a can of corned beef hash and some eggs. I would wait until tomorrow to re-examine this avocado mystery because I had to, you know, that’s how time works.
The next day, the avocado was even harder, and seemed to be greener. Next, I did what any sane person would do, I put it in a paper bag. I checked the avocado the following day; it was greener and harder. Since I was already on this path of sanity, I let the avocado sit in the bag for two weeks. When I opened the bag, all that was left was an avocado seed and about six lethargic fruit flies.
- Fruitcake, a derogatory term for a nutty person, is a “dessert” comprised of fruit, nuts, and cake. Somehow, when combined, it tastes nothing like fruit, nuts, nor cake, and more like vomit and honey. By the way, fruitcake is best served many months later as a doorstop or something to prop a window open. Not sure if this is true, but some states use discarded fruitcakes for bricks in Habitat for Humanity houses.
- Some fruit have pectin in it.
- Fruit is in a constant flux of pulling classic “dick” moves. With this in mind, you may want to stop reading for a moment, for the following passage is meant specifically for fruits’ ears:
Fruit. You deceptive piece of shit! You’re supposed to be so good for us, yet you have the audacity to be so difficult to eat. Yeah, especially you, papaya, you ignorant ass. Since I am still alive, I’m not sure if all y’all are even worth the hassle. It’s not like I eat you and feel more vibrant, although I feel better than after eating shellfish. So you got that going for you, you’re slightly better than shellfish, hope you’re proud of yourself.
And when I put you in my mouth, or take a bite out of you, and you are over ripe or not ripe enough, you devastate my taste buds. You’re not like chicken nor beef, where I can spit you out in its entirety like good old reliable chunked meat. No, you spray your juice liquid bile in my mouth, and fuck up what I’m going to eat next.
And when you’re a grape or a cherry, you’re just one of so many. After one sour or puke-y over ripe one, I become super wary about eating more, but knowing that one of you could be so delectable, I try again, and no. It’s so hard to know how potentially bad you’re going to be, unless you’re obviously brown and shriveled.
And hey, banana and tomato. Fuck you. In this particular case, I should direct my anger at those food scientists who try to make food bigger and cheaper, and in trying, end up failing and destroying the species. Good job, incompetent idiots. I believe Luke (from the “Bible) said it best in his ratio 13:9, “…and if it bears fruit next year, fine; but if not, cut it down.”
Melons, yeah you melons, I’m allergic to you, you’re dead to me, dead! Fertilizers and food scientists need to get some sense of empathy and at least pretend to fix this problem.
And the biggest douche bag of all you fruit, is the one that looks and feels perfect, but for some damn reason, tastes terrible. You are garbage, you can go to hell.
- Nuts are fruits.