The dog took it upon himself to take a walk. He loved this. This was his time to let it all hang out, dig a little longer, pee while walking, sniff around with no one tugging a leash. Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose, he thought as he wandered into the woods. He had no idea how prophetic these words would be.
Dogs are loyal creatures, which leads to acts of idiocy. This is why they often end up the centerpiece of North Korean all-you-can-eat buffets falsely labeled as steak almond ding or friendly Mongolian beef. Loyalty is the sort of thing that can kill you, it’s not something that wavers, unless you’re a wishy-washy-see-sawing-flip-flopping-hoity-toity weakling without a shred of conviction.
Once the dog was out of complete view of his home, he ran as fast as he could through a field of daisies. The yellow petals rushed past its limited peripheral vision, causing slight nausea and dizziness like a side effect of Taltz ®.
The dog stopped suddenly. He had to. His tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth, panting briskly; he looked like a large furry football with legs inflating, then deflating, then inflating. It was a dog living life on the edge.
Bingo! There was that smell. Must. Find. This might be a good time to explain the attention span of the common dog. Their attention span is equivalent to the morality of President Donald Trump. There is none. Goose eggs. Simple. Fact.
The dog attacked the ground in front of the looming oak tree like it does the corner of the couch. He bit, chewed, scraped, dug, pawed, humped and repeated until there was a hole and a pile of dirt and grass beside it.
The dog smiled and said, “Sing like no one is listening. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching, and live like it’s heaven on earth.” And just like that, the dog filled its jaw with the best bone you’ve ever seen. Unbelievable, but let’s be honest, it’s just a damn bone. The dog tried to repeat what he said. It sounded like mumbled gargling.
The dog beamed as he trotted back home with his new feast/toy. His thoughts were filled with get home, dig, bury, save for rainy day, probably tomorrow. At this point, the dog crossed a quaint bridge over a creek. The dog looked down and noticed his reflection. The ignorant dog did not see a reflection of himself, but saw another dog with a bigger bone. If it had stopped to think about it, where was this dog’s scent? Where was the ass smell he usually had to confirm with provocative sniffs? Where was this dog’s suspicious growl?
But greed always beats logic. Let it be known, dogs are not above greed. This dog had to have both bones. As the dog leaned over the bridge, the bone in the reflection’s mouth grew larger. Then the dog opened its mouth to grab the reflected bone, allowing the actual bone to free fall into the creek. Even in the mind of a dog, tragedy moves in slow motion.
Instinctively, the dog dived. There was a splash followed by a bone crunching snap. The dog had dived into the shallow part of the creek, unwittingly devastating his neck and dying instantly, ass and tail exposed just above water level, head stuck in mud.
Moments later, a North Korean walked by and discovered dinner.
MORAL: Next to selfie accidents, this is the worst way to die. Don’t be an illiterate cur, know what a reflection is and act appropriately.