Secret Origins: The Manodile

Mythology is a glorious lie, a device used to explain the wonders that are larger than mere mortals. It is not a coincidence, every storytelling nation has a creation myth, whether it be the makings of a singular God, or that the planets themselves, are actually gods. It is an attempt to place a science to something so humongous and mysterious. A side note: North Korea does not have a creation myth. They are incapable of creative thought and too lazy to consider the world beyond their Communist walls made of a substance slightly stronger than paper.

In the tradition of defining the vast unknown, this is the origin of the manodile, the beast that is half man, half crocodile and all awesome and terrifying.

Some researchers believe that the manodile was created by the North Koreans, but logic defies that notion. As stated earlier their lack of creativity, laziness and plain stupidity would be lucky to create snot from a runny nose. It is like saying Argentinians love their trigonometry. Nonsense!

The manodile was created by a collective of seven Swedish scientists, six Samoan sewer workers, five employees of the Fanta Corporation, and one deceased crocodile.

In the beginning of 1951, seven Swedish scientists conceived the notion that combining two living organisms would create one stronger organism. The first experiment was the mangorilla.

mango-1218147_960_720

The mangorilla, half-mango, half-gorilla. All epic fail.

It was a complete failure. Absent was the animal aspect of movement and independent thought, but omnipresent was the fruit. It looked like a mango, felt like a mango and tasted like a gorilla. Dismal. Sad.

Later that year, just after Thanksgiving, six sewer workers in Samoa discovered the corpse of an eleven-foot crocodile. By all definition, the crocodile was dead, no vital signs, not breathing, floating on its back and decomposing. Yet, somehow, the dead reptile was capable of twitching its tail.

Meanwhile, back in Sweden, the scientists were just about to pack it in after the failure of the plumingo, the orangeutan, the cherrytah, the house apricat, the avocadodo bird, the bananaconda, the bumble beet, the jaguava, the monkiwi, the lemonkey, the monkeydew melon, the nectarhino, the pearokeet, the porcupineapple, the opposumpkin, the yamel, the chardvark, the cantelope, the crabbage, the ugli fruit, and the horse radish. Everything changed when they heard about the discovery in Samoa.

Within 24 hours, the Swedish scientists were in Samoa. The Samoans were dead set on barbequing the crocodile, or making a soup, which would last many days. The scientists arrived in time to intervene. The scientists thought the soup option was wisest. This was just a prequel to the bigger conflict: science versus hunger.

WORD OF THE DAY: prequel /ˈprēkwəl/ noun a story or movie containing events that precede those of an existing work. “the film is a prequel to the cult TV series”          Online Dictionary

After a long heated discussion, they reached a compromise. Science won. The scientists convinced the sewer workers that science was more important than a meal.

In a way, the Samoans really won, because the Swedish provided them with their world-renowned steak dinners for compensation. For reasons unknown, this steak dinner was from this point called the Salisbury steak, and not Swedish meatballs. In another way, we all won, the Salisbury steak dinner is fine food for fine people.

The scientists returned to Sweden with the crocodile, and for no good reason, the Samoans accompanied them. Crammed into a tiny laboratory, the scientists worked around the clock, while the Samoans watched. At the height of near breakthrough, one Samoan claimed to be parched beyond reason.

One Samoan suggested that they call the up-and-coming Fanta Corporation to sponsor and provide them with beverages. This Samoan, in particular, lacked all sense of practical intelligence, for he was half-North Korean. To claim he was mentally challenged is an insult to the mentally challenged. Fortunately, for the collective, this would ultimately prove to be the necessary idiotic boon they needed to reach their goal.

Another compromise was reached, and five representatives from Fanta arrived. The laboratory was now packed to the gills, but with thirsts quenched and sated by the effervescent artificial orange soda. No one was able to move without bumping into something, destroying days of research. Each step forward became eight steps back. Breath upon breath, one of the Fanta reps suggested they move the laboratory into their spacious shipping warehouse. Their decision was fortified yea by the wagging stiff rigor mortis tail of the crocodile, which led to the destruction of many test tubes.

In the new laboratory, this odd group of folks, argued, then apologized, then argued fiercely again. This went on for months. During one of the heated arguments, one of the Fanta representatives clutched his chest before falling dead. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence as everyone looked at each other suspiciously. Eyes darted around the makeshift lab, until all eyes rested on the newly deceased man and the crocodile.

If necessity is the mother of invention, convenient death is something else all together. Within eight hours, the manodile had become reality. An hour after that, the North Korean Samoan got his head stuck in a 16 oz. bottle, in the chaos, the manodile escaped.

Many believe that the manodile made its way to the Atlantic Ocean, then flipped, floated and followed to Africa. Many tales of African jungle adventures reference the manodile making this the more likely story. Yet, others believe it flipped, floated and followed to America and became Mickey Rourke.

Like many tales of mythology, there are more than several tellings. One thing remains true in all renditions: the manodile lives.

#It’sAManodile’sManodile’sManodile’sWorld

Jake_The_Alligator_Man.jpg

The only known photo of the elusive manodile.

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