North Korea, like a teenager, is very complicated and uncool. After World War II, 1945, Korea was divided in two. North Korea was controlled by The Soviet Union and South Korea by the United States of America.

In 1950, North Korea invaded South Korea. This would be known as the Korean war or conflict. In 1953, the Korean Armistice Agreement brought about a ceasefire, but no peace treaty was signed. Since then, North Korea has been on a reckless road of abandonment, very similar to their skills behind the wheel of an automobile.

North Korea prefers to be called the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. This is like Bob Dylan renaming his band The Rolling Thunder and The Excellent Singing of Bob Dylan. There is no democracy, as there is no excellent singing.

North Korea defines itself as a self-reliant socialist state and formerly holds elections. Where was this reliance during the famine they endured between 1994 and 1998? Where was the democracy when somewhere between 250,000 and 3,500,000 North Koreans died from starvation and hunger-related issues? Who was their Messiah then, Moses? This all happened during the rule of Kim Il-Sung, father of current dictator, Kim Jong-Il. Can you imagine a democracy re-electing that leader?

North Korea is best known for their fine cuisine, especially the hot dog. Not to be confused with the American tubular hot dog, the North Korean hot dog is merely a dog like a schnauzer or dachshund roasted on a grill. Sometimes, it is known as the hot cat, when a dog is not nearby nor convenient.

South Korea supplies humanitarian aid to North Korea, but giving money to North Korea is like giving money to a crack addict, but instead of crack, they purchase nuclear weapons. Or it’s like giving money to a Kardashian, but instead of buying something way stupid, they purchase nuclear weapons. Or it’s like giving money to the Miami Dolphins, [The football team, not the fay gang of the same name.] but instead of buying a washed-up wimpy quarterback, they purchase nuclear weapons.

NoKo

/nō/kō/

noun

abbreviated slang for a North Korean

synonyms: moron, dog breath, stubborn slant

“After the NoKo woman escaped to SoKo through complex underground tunnels, she was relieved to discover repression under the rule of Kim Jong-Un was completely absent; the grass was truly greener.”

Complicated, uncool and tiny: North Korea.

“The weekend warrior slammed down a SoCo and lime, three Jame-o’s and an Irish Car Bomb; he considered having a shot of NoKo only to discover it was not a shot, but a slangy term for a North Korean. He wore his shame for the briefest of moments, then settled for a shot of Wild Turkey.”

NoKos*

*Sung to the tune Russians by Sting and Prokofiev

In Asia and America there’s a growing sense of paranoia
This diplomatic nuclear chess game
Insecure NoKo seeks notoriety and fame
Kim Jong-Un quoted from a bad haiku
Revenge a “thousand times” on you
It’s such a terrible thing to do
If the NoKos love their children too.

How can I save my little child
While Kim Jong-Un keeps growing wild?
“Met with fire and fury and frankly power”
It’s Trump’s finest hour since his golden shower
Daddy complex to the nth degree
All adds up to equal idiocy
Believe me when I say to you
I hope the NoKos love their children too.

This global tension from idle nuclear threats
Like the ‘80s and those Soviets
Comes from Kim Jong-Un, that slant imbecile
It’s all an act to be more credible

Donald Trump tweet storms stupid points of view
Nothing short of a terse fuck you
Believe me now, “that I can tell you”
I hope the NoKos love their children too.
Daddy complex to the nth degree
All adds up to equal idiocy
What must save us, me and you
Is if the Trumpster loves his children too.

#IHopeJamesBrownLovesHisChildrenToo