The Alternate Superman

other alternate superman

In this alternate universe, Stuperman is overtly ignorant. So much so that he spells stupor as stuper. This is his origin.

Jak-el and Burro, prominent Kraptonian mega-scientists, who were also married to each other, feared this day would come, but not this soon. They weren’t ready. They only had time to build one small prototype of a rocket to escape. If only the science council had listened to their pleas to stop drilling, instead of mocking the couple by drilling willy nilly to prove some kind of point, even the dentists. Now their planet is hopelessly vibrating itself out of existence. As they embraced, knowing their days were numbered, they turned to their baby son, Guz-el, who was sleeping soundly in what can be best described, a futuristic Ikea® crib.

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Origin You Glad This Is An Origin Story?

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From the obscure comic strip, “Cowboys & Indians & Aliens & Pop-Tarts® In Area 51”. Not to be confused with the adult film, “Cowboys & Pussy”.

I was sent to prison for a crime I did not commit. Because of the color of my skin, I was sentenced to death by hard labor. I learned a difficult lesson about the unfair system of justice for those who can’t afford it. I swore on that day, I would not die in vain. In fact, I caught myself shaking my fist in the air, as if cursing the heavens.

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With Great Power

Afro Physicist

Courtroom artist rendering of the alleged superhero fighting crime in Chicago.

Dr. Cornelius Hamilton took a deep breath and paused, as if waiting for logic to kick him squarely in the behind and bring him back down to earth. He was more than surprised that his hands were trembling. He was actually nervous. He flexed his muscles and liked what he saw. It gave the blue and red unitard credibility to be filled out with such a sheer hard body. All the hours at the gym paid off, but not as much as the steroids. Yet, he was still filled with trepidation.

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Worse For Wear

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Able to have erratic heartbeats, maintain an erection for 18 hours, and demonstrate hours of explosive diarrhea, it’s Side Effect!

He was the greatest superhero of the 21st century, and truth be told, he knew it. With each successful achievement, his humility eroded to nothing. Now the hero, once known as Side Effect, was dubbed The Cocky Side Effect Megalomaniac. In some parts of the country, he went by the moniker, Oh No, Not Another Trump Guy. All that aside, today, he faced a challenge that would alter his life forever.

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