The Alternate Superman

other alternate superman

In this alternate universe, Stuperman is overtly ignorant. So much so that he spells stupor as stuper. This is his origin.

Jak-el and Burro, prominent Kraptonian mega-scientists, who were also married to each other, feared this day would come, but not this soon. They weren’t ready. They only had time to build one small prototype of a rocket to escape. If only the science council had listened to their pleas to stop drilling, instead of mocking the couple by drilling willy nilly to prove some kind of point, even the dentists. Now their planet is hopelessly vibrating itself out of existence. As they embraced, knowing their days were numbered, they turned to their baby son, Guz-el, who was sleeping soundly in what can be best described, a futuristic Ikea® crib.

To be fair, the overpopulation, global warming, excessive carbon emissions, nuclear waste, opioid addictions, and all the side effects of Propecia® did not help their plight. This is the price for progress, especially in the hands of petty tyrants, who let greed control their actions. Just because someone can manipulate social media to convince the masses that science is magic, and that conspiracy is science, doesn’t mean they should. Yet, this is expected of advanced civilizations, regardless of where you’re from. Krapton is just another version of Poopiter, as it is just another version of Uranus.

Speaking of Uranus, did you know that colon cancer is preventable if detected in its earliest stages?

In a sense, had Krapton listened and tried to reverse their global sins, they could have prevented the inevitable destruction of their shithole planet. Instead, they are about to place their sole child into a rocket shaped device called the chronopulator™. As Krapton exploded, Jak-el and Burro launched their son, Guz-el. In a blinding flash, the chronopulator™ disappeared and, in theory, propelled back in time. Meanwhile, Jak-el and Burro kissed passionately.

Moments later, they were surprised that they were still alive. Realizing that this was their last moment, they fucked hard, screaming as loud as they could, as Krapton finally blew up.

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