When time travel goes awry, it looks like this.

Previously on “Crime Rhymes With Time, So Does Rhyme”: Connie DuWhonnie, a devout atheist, went on a time traveling excursion. After much internal debate, ADHD got the best of her, and she inadvertently straightened out a crooked painting of a seashore, breaking the one law of time travel, don’t tamper with it. We now return to “Crime Rhymes With Time, So Does Rhyme.”

When Connie returned home. She exhaled a humongous sigh of relief. Everything was as she left it. She emptied her pockets, taking out some loose change. That’s when things got strange. The quarters felt like nickels, and nickels like pennies. It was becoming apparent that her hands were growing larger. It did not stop there.

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What happened? A) The cat smothered and ate a newborn. B) The end result of a lame magic trick C) This is an alternate universe where cats sleep in cribs or D) The cat was bored.

I thought this would be the easiest part. Shooting a defenseless baby in the head should be a no-brainer. Yet, here I stand, gun pressed against the forehead of baby Hitler. To be clear, it was Adolf Hitler, that evil tyrant with a distinctive mustache.

Who knew that time travel could be so simple? Thanks to the help of YouTube® and the mere purchase of three alarm clocks and a flux capacitor, time travel was a cinch.

Yeah, I know, killing baby Hitler is trite and all, but if you ever have access to a time machine, and you want to do the right thing, this is it.

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