Lo And Behold, A New Hero Cometh

aquaman funeral

“This is what it sounds like, when Silver Age Aquaman dies.”

After the strategic assassination of The Silver Age Aquaman®, it was just a matter of time before the United Villain Front™, led by current president of the United States, Donald Trump, systematically picked off The Superhero Society Force™. 80% of The Force™ were downed in one fell swoop at the funeral. It was sneaky how the bad guys planted a neutralizing dirty bomb on the corpse. Now, most of the heroes were either dead, maimed, incarcerated, crippled, or worse. It mattered naught, for the bottom line was, they were worthless against this powerful organized UVF™. The remaining heroes tried to invent a battle cry based around their 20% status to no avail.

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As Sure As I Am Killer Brick, Aquaman® Will Die And Die Again Part 2


Greed Personified Strip.jpg

And now:

Aquaman Deep In Thought

Aquaman’s® ears were burning. Someone or some people were talking about him.

There I was, standing before my criminal peers, as well as the bosses, the dons, the capos, the crime lords, the masterminds, and the world conquerors. My objective is to convince them that I am most worthy to kill our greatest enemy, Aquaman®. I had to call upon all the eloquence Mama Killer Brick taught me. I had to call upon the conviction of every pastor and rabbi I had ever mugged. I don’t want to come off entitled, but my hatred for Aquaman® was humongous. So humongous, there is no term yet invented. If I had to invent that word, gazillious or googolnormous.

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As Sure As I Am Killer Brick, Aquaman® Will Die And Die Again

aquaman throws a polar bear.jpg

Artist’s rendering of tragic events at The Unhappy Hunting Grounds, circa 1942.

“In conclusion, that is why I believe I bear the right to kill Aquaman®.” After a detailed thirteen-minute Power Point® presentation of how Aquaman® savagely killed his brothers and father by throwing a hungry polar bear at them. The clutch-your-heart-and-squeeze moment came while the gory close-ups of the deceased faded and swiped into each other, while Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” played. Heartstrings tugged successfully and there was not one dry eye in the house. Pretty good, considering the hall was filled with at least 200 cold-hearted criminals.

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Christmas With Aquaman®

happy holidays from aquaman

As legitimate as a cry for help from a Prince of Nairobi.

Like some kind of organized clockwork, it was December 25th again. Atlantis was quiet. It would be easy to assume that Atlanteans celebrate the birth of Christ the holy baby, and you would be completely wrong. In the same way you’d be wrong if you assume all Koreans eat watermelon, all Brazilians are good at math, and all Sudanese are always hungry. Atlantis sunk many years before the birth of Jesus on the surface land, making them unaware of the event as it happened, thus making it irrelevant to their culture. And who can blame them? Do they blame or shame us when we don’t acknowledge Mollusk March Day? FYI: they do.

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