Aquaman’s® ears were burning. Someone or some people were talking about him.
There I was, standing before my criminal peers, as well as the bosses, the dons, the capos, the crime lords, the masterminds, and the world conquerors. My objective is to convince them that I am most worthy to kill our greatest enemy, Aquaman®. I had to call upon all the eloquence Mama Killer Brick taught me. I had to call upon the conviction of every pastor and rabbi I had ever mugged. I don’t want to come off entitled, but my hatred for Aquaman® was humongous. So humongous, there is no term yet invented. If I had to invent that word, gazillious or googolnormous.
Artist’s rendering of tragic events at The Unhappy Hunting Grounds, circa 1942.
“In conclusion, that is why I believe I bear the right to kill Aquaman®.” After a detailed thirteen-minute Power Point® presentation of how Aquaman® savagely killed his brothers and father by throwing a hungry polar bear at them. The clutch-your-heart-and-squeeze moment came while the gory close-ups of the deceased faded and swiped into each other, while Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” played. Heartstrings tugged successfully and there was not one dry eye in the house. Pretty good, considering the hall was filled with at least 200 cold-hearted criminals.
As legitimate as a cry for help from a Prince of Nairobi.
Like some kind of organized clockwork, it was December 25th again. Atlantis was quiet. It would be easy to assume that Atlanteans celebrate the birth of Christ the holy baby, and you would be completely wrong. In the same way you’d be wrong if you assume all Koreans eat watermelon, all Brazilians are good at math, and all Sudanese are always hungry. Atlantis sunk many years before the birth of Jesus on the surface land, making them unaware of the event as it happened, thus making it irrelevant to their culture. And who can blame them? Do they blame or shame us when we don’t acknowledge Mollusk March Day? FYI: they do.
This is the man called Aquaman. He was in the middle of his darkest day. No lie. I know this, because I have been burdened with the role of omniscient storyteller. In some circles, it would be comical for a man to be surrounded by eight dead bodies skewered through the head by swordfish. I can tell you this: Aquaman was pissed beyond words and at the same time terrified. This was a set up and he was being framed. But who? Who?