Sick Tales Of Ichthyology


The other school shooting.

As far as catfish went, Renfroe was, hands down, ugly, uglier, ugliest. Please do not get me started, but when it was born, the rest of the fish invented a shared language so they could talk about enforced abortion. To put things into context, it was the only word all fish could agree on.

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The Only Thing You Need To Know Is This


Potentially the greatest weapon known to mankind.

It was her yoga mat. In a very general way, you could accuse Emma Hopkins for being a clean person, although one could easily disperse such thoughts by getting a good whiff of the atrocious rolled up foam rubber tucked under her arm. In a world where everything is under a constant magnifying glass, you would see her armpit scream vomiting.

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An Inopportune Time For Cramps


The near-extinct sprinting crocodile about to spring into a striking chasing pose. According to seasoned disfigured safari hunters, these creature will tear the living shit out of you.  Image Source.

He had a very stupid name, Hoggy MacGoogan. Short story long, Hoggy’s “supposed” father was an Armenian prankster. His parents before him were greater pranksters and had their last name legally changed to something, anything Scottish. Literally translated, Hoggy meant disregard the following Scottish. His mother was completely oblivious. Not because she was American, but because she was more concerned with the greater priorities in life, like shooing away the persistent gorilla from the kitchen. One day, Dad disappeared, not sure if it was coincidence, but so did the badgering gorilla. Perhaps not coincidence, nine months later, Mom gave birth to the ugliest thing anyone has ever seen. At this precise moment, none of this mattered one bit. Hoggy MacGoogan was running for dear life.

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A Week Before Lemonade Observance Day™


I can not see the joy. I can not hear the glory. I can not feel the excitement. I just smell a lot of stank camels.

It was official, even decreed. It was Double Negative Appreciation Day™. If the parade was any indication, it was the biggest non-religious holiday ever, of all time. It was May and the town known best as Schaumburg had serious cabin fever. Winter had been excruciatingly long and bitter.

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