Spring in Chicago has been added to the endangered species list. Many thanks to all the corporations for knowingly destroying the environment to profit.
It was the middle of March in Chicago. To be precise, it was the Ides of March, the historic day whence Julius Caesar [Inventor of salad and a hairstyle] allegedly spoke the words, “Great ghost of myself. Et tu, Brute?”
It was 70 degrees, and the sun was shining brightly as if were 82. As any good native of Chicago knows, this was a bonus day, as in, it was as rare as an edible pre-packaged thing of apple pie, as in, probably definitely a byproduct of the impending global warming, which will certainly devastate us all, as in it could easily snow the next day. By the by, it did, followed by reasonable tornadoes the next.
“The John Deere® tractor? You brought her!” He laughed whole-heartedly while everyone else just stared, slack-jawed, slowly backing away.
In that precise moment, Baxter Hicks realized he had made the biggest mistake of his life. It was not his undeniable death after trying to push a tractor up a steep hill in a snowstorm. Nor was it the bright idea to drive the tractor home from the bar after six or nine shots of tequila. It was not letting cabin fever get the best of him. It was not the cocaine mostly cut with baby laxative he bought from his shit for morals neighbor. It was not the mild diarrhea.
I have spent many hours, even weeks wondering about the homophones penis and pianist. Was it done on purpose?
His face soured, because he was severely rankled. He discovered an “obvious” pubic hair on his piano. Dick Petersen Skrotumsky was a world-renowned classical pianist. It was no coincidence that he had a figurative Dick face, in that he had a long dangling nose and his puffed jowls looked like balls. To top it off, he demonstrated over and over again, he was a dick.
A beard is a person who pretends to have a romantic or sexual relationship with someone else in order to conceal the other’s true sexual orientation.
For the first time ever, Amber Evans was perfectly comfortable with her new job. It was simple and it paid well. All she had to do was behave as the girlfriend to local celebrity, Jack Ryde, of the number one Nielsen rated Go-Team™ of Chicago’s Action News™ in the morning.