How We Do

800px-Interstate_10,_Loop_202_&_SR_51

Every time you drive on the highway, you run the risk of getting shot dead in a drive-by. The same is true when walking down the street. The lesson gleaned: stay inside and avoid falling down.

“Oh wow,” were Dr. Eggs Benedict’s final words after realizing the ketchup stain on his shirt began to gush blood. It was one of those stray bullets from a highway drive by. What were the odds of it hitting the stain? Seriously. Instinctively, he turned up the radio.

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Better Sorry Than Safe

800px-Unibrow

How now unibrow?

Everyone called him Bert; when in actuality, his name was George. He had an intense unibrow, an exaggerated orange oval nose, a tuft of black hair atop his head, and yellow skin. To offset his rather oblong face, he always wore a vertical striped shirt, which also had a slimming effect.

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I Want A Squirrel Just Like The Squirrel That Married Dear Old Dad

723px-Eastern_Grey_Squirrel

The Eastern Gray Squirrel is best known for its thick eccentric accent and its extreme penny-pinching.

This was an unusual squirrel for many reasons. Foremost, he was 68 years old. His extended longevity allowed him the luxury to identify himself as male, and thusly name himself, Sammy. To put things in perspective, it is rare, probably impossible, for a squirrel to live more than 25 years, especially on the rugged gang-infested streets of South side Chicago.

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That New App That’s Cool, But Really Not

old school face app

The old school version of the aging filter on FaceApp. The older school version is aging naturally and taking photos every ten years.

All of his friends were doing it was the only logical excuse Justin Sheepskin needed to unwittingly register his face into a facial recognition database. How could he not help data miners? It was the latest craze. Submit a current photo of yourself into an app, short for application, and the program will generate a photo predicting how you’ll look up to 40 years in the future.

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