They’re There

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“I can assure you that there will be no there, there. That is to say, on the other side of life, after our flesh is consumed by worms and such, no one will be there to soothe us by saying there, there while patting us on the back.”

Since the White House has turned into a full-blown reality television show, I have been glued to the fake lying media. In particular, I have become a fan of the “The 11th Hour With Brian Williams.”

Brian Williams, not to be confused with the Chicago Bull basketball player who died mysteriously in a boating incident, his actual name was Bison Dele, was the trusted anchorman of the “NBC Nightly News.” Emphasis on ‘was’ due to his misrepresentation of events, which occurred while covering the Iraq War in 2003.

All of this is merely a preamble to the point at hand, when did the news start talking as if their audience were morons?

Whether it be the repetitive terms like gaslighting, optics, or drip drip drip, one has to wonder: are they dumbing down, or are we, as a cultural society, dumbing up? Worse, does it even matter anymore? And now, my impersonation of my favorite celebrity…

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How We Do

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Every time you drive on the highway, you run the risk of getting shot dead in a drive-by. The same is true when walking down the street. The lesson gleaned: stay inside and avoid falling down.

“Oh wow,” were Dr. Eggs Benedict’s final words after realizing the ketchup stain on his shirt began to gush blood. It was one of those stray bullets from a highway drive by. What were the odds of it hitting the stain? Seriously. Instinctively, he turned up the radio.

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Better Sorry Than Safe

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How now unibrow?

Everyone called him Bert; when in actuality, his name was George. He had an intense unibrow, an exaggerated orange oval nose, a tuft of black hair atop his head, and yellow skin. To offset his rather oblong face, he always wore a vertical striped shirt, which also had a slimming effect.

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I Want A Squirrel Just Like The Squirrel That Married Dear Old Dad

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The Eastern Gray Squirrel is best known for its thick eccentric accent and its extreme penny-pinching.

This was an unusual squirrel for many reasons. Foremost, he was 68 years old. His extended longevity allowed him the luxury to identify himself as male, and thusly name himself, Sammy. To put things in perspective, it is rare, probably impossible, for a squirrel to live more than 25 years, especially on the rugged gang-infested streets of South side Chicago.

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