The Hardest Part


What happened? A) The cat smothered and ate a newborn. B) The end result of a lame magic trick C) This is an alternate universe where cats sleep in cribs or D) The cat was bored.

I thought this would be the easiest part. Shooting a defenseless baby in the head should be a no-brainer. Yet, here I stand, gun pressed against the forehead of baby Hitler. To be clear, it was Adolf Hitler, that evil tyrant with a distinctive mustache.

Who knew that time travel could be so simple? Thanks to the help of YouTube® and the mere purchase of three alarm clocks and a flux capacitor, time travel was a cinch.

Yeah, I know, killing baby Hitler is trite and all, but if you ever have access to a time machine, and you want to do the right thing, this is it.

My first mistake was making eye contact with the baby, and of course, he smiled and made that adorable coo sound.

I could not splatter this child’s tiny brain all over the crib regardless of the horrible deeds he would later commit. Even after fully conceding to the thought that had our roles been reversed, he would kill me without hesitation, I could not go through with this cowardly act. Call me precocious and vain, but the optics were not good.

My mentor, Professor Doom, once said, when the simple decision is the hardest to execute, the decision is wrong. This only means the simpler decision has yet to be discovered.

I knew what must be done. The simpler route was to time travel to the year Hitler was a rebellious teenager, when he fancied himself a budding artist. I’m sure it would be easier to kill a pretentious git like that. With that, I set my time destination to fifteen years later.

When I arrive, I am greatly disheartened, for there were three time travelers in front of me with the exact same idea.

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