When time travel goes awry, it looks like this.

Previously on “Crime Rhymes With Time, So Does Rhyme”: Connie DuWhonnie, a devout atheist, went on a time traveling excursion. After much internal debate, ADHD got the best of her, and she inadvertently straightened out a crooked painting of a seashore, breaking the one law of time travel, don’t tamper with it. We now return to “Crime Rhymes With Time, So Does Rhyme.”

When Connie returned home. She exhaled a humongous sigh of relief. Everything was as she left it. She emptied her pockets, taking out some loose change. That’s when things got strange. The quarters felt like nickels, and nickels like pennies. It was becoming apparent that her hands were growing larger. It did not stop there.

The metamorphosis was just starting. She began to bulk out like a baseball player after three months on steroids. Her neck thickened. Her arms became tree trunks, while her penis shriveled. She began to shed every maternal instinct she had. Femininity was seeping out of her like helium from a balloon in a freezer.

Before she could even get a handle of the rapid changes, she was gone. Any remnant of who she once was, was replaced by a very gregarious avid sports dude.

She had to listen to a sports show, and damn it if she wasn’t going to tweet, Go Eagles!

She had become everything she’d ever hated. And then, she discovered the horrible truth. She opened a can of Coors Lite® and guzzled it down. She spit it up. It tasted like vomit. She screamed until her eyes started to bleed.