I Want A Squirrel Just Like The Squirrel That Married Dear Old Dad


The Eastern Gray Squirrel is best known for its thick eccentric accent and its extreme penny-pinching.

This was an unusual squirrel for many reasons. Foremost, he was 68 years old. His extended longevity allowed him the luxury to identify himself as male, and thusly name himself, Sammy. To put things in perspective, it is rare, probably impossible, for a squirrel to live more than 25 years, especially on the rugged gang-infested streets of South side Chicago.

In 1856, New Yorkers lost their shit when they first saw a lone gray squirrel in a tree. Keep in mind, this was a time when squirrels were rare pets, and not the common vermin they are today. Crowds clamored to see the bizarre rodent with its bushy tail. The New York park commission saw an opportunity and concluded that it would integrate squirrels into Central Park, forcing them to co-exist with mankind. It would forever change the relationship between the two species.

Sammy had figured the long game of survival early on. He never accepted food from humans. His parents became dependent on the welfare of people, and ended up dying from morbid obesity. It is rumored that his father exploded from eating Pop Rocks® followed by a sip of Coca-Cola®.

One thing was certain, towering hairless bipeds could not be trusted. For God’s sake, these brainless giants inject heroin into their bloodstream any which way they can, only to die from an overdose.

Sammy no longer wastes his breath trying to convince the other squirrels. They prefer the easy hand out. In short, this generation’s squirrels are lazy do-nothings with no regard to the betterment of squirrel-kind. Selfish hedonism will always win out over the advancement of art and culture.

Beyond this, Sammy’s secret to longevity was simple. He slept wisely. He fully acknowledged that you are most vulnerable when you are not awake. It is when you need the most protection. Oddly, he discovered the safest place to sleep was near the carcass of an animal recently run over by an automobile. It turns out that humans prefer to swerve to avoid animal corpses than spread the corpse with their tires, making this a safe haven for other animals. Unfortunately, it’s not the most peaceful sleep.

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