America and a Pop Daffynition

America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci. Ohio named their state capitol after Christopher Columbus. America was named after the ‘70s band of the same name. America invented cheese and nonchalantly named it American cheese. America is so many things to so many people. That is why America is so great. America is the Chuck Norris of action heroes. The absolute best.

blank-map-of-the-continental-united-states

America the beautiful. Look at how udderly sexy Florida and Texas are.

America is comprised of 50 states. It is surrounded by The Pacific Ocean, the Atlantic Ocean, Canada, and Mexico. It is a country ruled by “democracy” and the wealthy.

WORD OF THE DAY:

en·ti·tle·ment

/in’/tīd/əl/mənt/

the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.

In traditional song, America is “the home of the brave, it’s the country you tis of thee to sweet land of liberty, oh beautiful for spacious skies.” “This land is your land, this land is my land, this land was made for you and me.”

In the 20th century, many songwriters have dedicated paeans to America: “American woman, get away from me,” “We’re an American band,” “Walked off to look for America,” “Bye bye Miss American pie,” “We’re coming to America… today!”

America is best known for baseball, apple pie and Chevrolet. Baseball is still a thing. America’s current president, Donald Trump, looks like he’s wearing an apple pie on top of his head. Chevrolet is too long, so we now just say Chevy, named after American beloved actor, Cornelius Crane “Chevy” Chase.

America’s government is run by a complex set of oxymorons upheld and maintained by the Constitution. [FACT CHECK: morons, not oxymorons.]

What makes America America:

  • America is a lady.
  • America’s first amendment entitles me to safely ridicule her.
  • America’s second amendment entitles me to shoot her.
  • America was taken, stolen from the Native Americans, formerly called Indians. Conversely, the Native Americans called the invaders: pale face idiot who think money buy anything and everything, fuck pigs, and fork-tongued killers.
  • America is still the land of opportunity for immigrants. Sixth, seventh, and eighth generation Americans, not so much.
  • America is funny. She doesn’t care if you love her (by the way, you should), all that really matters is that you pay your taxes in a timely fashion.
  • America rejected jazz and Jerry Lewis, until France recognized their brilliance. Of course, America retained ownership. It’s how she do.

Did you know that the first no-fault divorce was in Russia, December 1917 and not America?


Americant

/ə’/mer/ə/kənt/

adjective

relating to or characteristic of the obnoxious entitled behavior of United States or its inhabitants, regardless of gender

synonyms: Ann Coulterish, privileged to the nth degree, Trumpy

“At first everyone in Japan thought that the visiting Caucasian behaved poorly because of his Americant values; they were relieved when they discovered he was actually from Russia.”

175px-The_Ugly_American_poster.jpg

No one was as Americant as Marlon Brando.

“He was flaunting and flouncing Americant viewpoints like Ayn Rand vomits objectivism until someone punched him in the face as if to say shut up.”

#LivingInAmericaEyeToEyeStationToStationLivingInAmericaHandToHandAcrossTheNationLivingInAmericaGotToHaveACelebration!

One thought on “America and a Pop Daffynition

  1. Pingback: A Commentary from an American | The Home Of DJ Sung Mo Koo

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