Fan Fiction with Yogi Bear


Not based on Yogi Berra, but, if there was no Yogi Berra, there would be no Yogi Bear.

So this is how I heard it. There’s this fairy bouncing around, all over the place. And she’s one of them flamboyant do-gooders. She grants wishes without considering all the consequences. You know, one of them flaky types flitting about all-agreeable and suspiciously too happy. This is Della in a nutshell, and then some!

Furthermore, she was in a constant state of jazz hands, and the secret to effective jazz hands is hands in repose. It’s the something from nothing theory. Something all the time is tiresome, you need balance. Since she didn’t understand this, she was annoying.

It just so happened, she was in Jellystone Park, the very same place that Yogi Bear lives. Did you know his full name was Yogi Barowitz? Yeah, had to change it for Hollywood. Makes more sense too, seeing he was a damn bear and all.

Her presence was fortunate for Yogi, since he was frustrated. He was hungry and he was absolutely pissed. It had been too long since he got his paws on a picnic basket. He said something like, “I wish I could be human so I could have easier access to the food of their species.”

And you know Boo Boo, his trusted sidekick? He was there too. Della bounced her wand and these trippy trails of stars and glitter appeared. She said, “Why should I grant you this wish, Yogi Bear?”

The damn predictable bear raised a finger in the air and said, “Because I’m smarter than the average bear.” Boo Boo nodded.

To be honest, he could’ve said anything, she didn’t care what the answer was. She was going to grant that wish regardless. Della waved the wand and the two bears were transformed into humans.

Yogi immediately took off and returned with a picnic basket full of fried chicken and mashed potatoes, probably enough to feed 7 to 8 people. He devoured the whole thing in less than eight minutes.

Della waited around uncomfortably, expecting some kind of appreciation. It would never come, so she pulled an Irish goodbye, a good one too, considering her magic skills. Yogi the human being, took off again. This time he returned with four baskets.

Boo Boo watched his friend in utter horror. He was disgusted by the ugly sight of gluttony unfolding in front of him, whirlwinding food debris tossed about everywhere, and the snarling and the chewing; it was truly horrendous. He was about to interject, but he knew his small words could not stop the gorging. With heavy heart, Boo Boo walked away, looking back once, realizing that this is what Courtney Love felt the last time she saw Kurt Cobain.

Yogi kept stuffing his damn face until he could no longer move. He died shortly after. The cause of death: eleven picnic baskets, but technically choking on a grape and chicken bone.

Boo Boo went on to be an assistant coach for Florida State University’s football team. Oh yeah, he became a Nazi sympathizer too.

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