It’s peculiar that the following instructions on something so Irish in nature are written by a Korean guy. It’s like the most extreme pacifist teaching you how to kill someone in less than three seconds. Google it, it’s happened.
It’s not the first time a Korean had to take care of “the” business. No one said boo when the Koreans ghostwrote the original St. James Bible. It was a practical financial decision, for this was a day when Koreans were hard working, industrious cheap labor. As opposed to today, where Koreans are dog eating, lazy expensive labor. According to my parents, the last time Koreans were industrious was seconds before I was born. (Probably untrue, and just a serious diss.)
To successfully pull off any sort of stunt, it is best to understand the origin and history first.
The Irish goodbye was invented in the 14th century. A Scottish lad, Angus “Runny” MacBolterson and his Irish pal, Vince Vaughn would go to weddings uninvited, in the hope of finding single bridesmaids that they could lay on a pile of hay for the night. This was a dangerous proposition, for if you were caught, you could be fined up to 3 cows, or hanged, or worse, both.
In order to escape, they would perform a ritual we now call the Irish goodbye, by leaving the premises as fast as possible without saying goodbye to anyone.
And, they would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those twee damn meddling kids and their Mystery Cart.
Some refute this history and claim that the Irish goodbye was just a child-friendly way of saying that someone died unexpectedly and did not get the chance to properly say farewell to their loved ones.
Others claim that the Irish goodbye is just another way of saying that the Irish don’t like to say goodbye to all of their relatives at family functions.
There are three steps to executing the perfect Irish goodbye.
- Clear your throat. It’s not essential, but proves to be nice. You have no idea how much phloegm and mucus that accumulates in your throat. In fact, many doctors recommend that you clear your throat up to 14 times a day.
- Leave something behind as if you’re returning. Examples of things to leave behind: half of your dinner, your drink, and your party hat. Examples of things you shouldn’t leave behind: your phone, your keys, and your car.
- Focus up, beeline to the exit, and go. Everything else, especially people, are obstacles designed to just slow you down. Ignore them like you do the blades of grass under your bare feet. Make sure to avoid glass, for example your Aunt Ruth, who will talk your ear off, game over. Pretend that you have to use the bathroom, better yet, just use the bathroom. 90% of Irish goodbyes are using the loo then toodle-oo. If anyone does stops you, grimace, point your toes inward, and hobble forward. Don’t look back.
Now that you are home free, go and better the world or just do some heavy duty binge watching. You’re welcome.