Green mustaches are never a good idea, but this is the safest way to do it.

Nick O’Brien wore the handlebar mustache like an idiot wears a shit-eating grin, for no good reason. Since today was St. Patrick’s Day, he dyed it green. It would forever change and ruin his life.

After the sixteenth bottle of Coors Light®, his upper lip began to tingle incessantly. His first thought was he had developed spider sense like his favorite movie character based on a comic book, you know, that awkward teenager who was bitten by a radioactive spider. His second thought was, I need to fix this, so naturally, he bit his upper lip. It would prove to be a fatal error. Instead of relief, he discovered intense pain.

The “Leprechaun Lepregreen Irish Spring Green™” dye had drastically dried out the skin around his overly stylized mustache, which is merely the nice way of saying stupidly indulgent.  Not only that, acne and puss formed under it.

Profuse bleeding followed, so much so, he became light headed. He succumbed to his folly, and fainted thusly. He smacked the back of his head against the corner of a table.

Nick O’Brien is currently experiencing a coma with his worried beloved at his side. The good news: he was loved by many people from all walks of life. The bad news: he saddened all their hearts by never recovering.