She Blinded Me With Christian Science


The First Church of Christ, Scientist, Christian Science Center, Boston, MA. When they say thoughts and prayers, they really mean it.

Erica Stone, Christian Scientist Extraordinaire exclaimed, “Eureka!” Her disheveled frizzy hair, runny nose, and bug eyes obscured behind thick lenses reinforced her mad doctor look. She nearly dropped a test tube filled with devotion, which in turn would have toppled over a row of test tubes labeled and filled with blind ambition and temperance. The white lab jacket draped over her small frame added a good fifteen pounds to her appearance.

Erica was raised by overzealous devout parents of Christian Science. It was all Christian Science all the time, and then some. So, it was merely logical that she dedicated herself to Christian Science. So much so that she made it a career. She was drawn to the theory like a moth to mothball-fueled flames. She loved the dichotomy of science against Christian Science. It was a puzzle within a puzzle within a puzzle, but called a riddle. She had to solve it.

BREAKING NEWS! Christian Science is a set of beliefs founded by 19th century, Mary Baker Eddy. Sickness is an illusion that can be corrected by prayer alone. Disease is a mental error rather than physical disorder, and that the sick should be treated not by medicine, but by form of prayer that seeks to correct the beliefs responsible for the illusion of ill health. Like Scientology®, a set of beliefs based on the science fiction writings of L. Ron Hubbard, hard pass, a very hard pass. Faith is a song or Percy’s last name. It cannot heal disease. There is a reason whichever creator you believe in helped mankind invent medicine.

We now return to “She Blinded Me With Christian Science” already in progress.

Erica could not believe her ridiculous misfortune. She was so close to a breakthrough, only to be interrupted to make a public statement about deceased celebrity, Georgia Engel on CNN™. She mumbled audibly as she removed her coat, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, she was one of us. All our prayers…sad. We will miss her joy.”

She stormed out of the Christian Science Laboratory, slamming the door behind her. The dry erase board fell from the wall, the frame shattering on impact. In smeared purple marker it read: Cure for loneliness/cancer.

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