Someday Your Face Will Freeze Like That

Kid making funny face

Yes, this face is funny. Yes, it is cute. But for how long? How long? Source

Granular Sugar made a peculiar face, his right eyebrow raised higher than the other, widening his anime eyes further, lips pursed, and nose flared. The overly cartoonish expression was appropriate, for while he was reminiscing, the unthinkable occurred.


His stream of conscious of memories had turned into a loop, underscored by a wacky musical soundtrack, for the sake of inanity, it was the Benny Hill Theme Song. Actually, it was a variant, the copyright-safe version of “Yakety Sax”, where every other note is slightly different. The song is appropriately titled, “Yukety Sux.”

His brain was malfunctioning and became stuck on the major bloopers of his life. He physically shook his head like a wet dog getting out of a lake. It did not help.

The series of boneheaded antics began with a spelling bee, when he was ten years old. Instead of spelling instantaneously, he wet himself on stage. It is worth mentioning that the event was televised around the world. FACT: if you Google® bedwetting spelling bee, Granular Sugar is the first entry, accompanied with a video.

Then a jump cut to the time he was running away from a cow-tipping dare gone awry, then stumbling over what was probably solidified cow dung only to land on a fresh soft pile of manure with his mouth wide open.

Followed by the big high school football game. It was not a coincidence it was also televised globally. Granular runs across the line of scrimmage, not looking back to see the quarterback falling to his knees. In a last-ditch effort, the QB shuffle passes the ball straight into Granular’s crotch. Naturally, he hits the ground, doubled over in pain, grabbing his junk, rolling, crying, cursing, screaming, exposing himself and vomiting. FACT: if you Google® funniest sports blooper ever, this is what you will see.

Granular wished for death over this repeating loop of shame. His wish would come true only after years of being stuck in this rut.

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