Chaka Khan is the Queen Of Funk. James Brown is the Godfather of Soul. Patti LaBelle is the Godmother of Soul. Sam Cooke is the King of Soul. Gloria Gaynor and Donna Summer are the Queens of Disco. Aretha Franklin is the Queen of Soul. Michael Jackson is the King of Pop. Madonna is the Queen of Pop. I just found out that George Clinton is the King of Funk. Mahalia Jackson is the Queen of Gospel. Clifton Chenier is the King of Zydeco. Robert Johnson is the Grandfather of Rock and Roll. Scott Joplin is the King of Ragtime. Marvin Gaye is the Prince of Soul. Ozzie Osborne is the Prince of Darkness. Gloria Estefan is the Queen of Latin Pop. Dolly Parton is the Queen of Country. Missy Elliot is the Queen of Hip Hop. Lisa Lisa is the Queen of Latin Hip Hop. Benny Goodman is the King of Swing. Amy Grant is the Queen of Christian Pop. Cher is the Queen of Reinvention. Eric Clapton is God. Bob Dylan is the King of Folk. Elvis Presley is just the King. Neil Diamond is the Jewish Elvis. Juice Newton sang “Queen Of Hearts”. Carole King is a singer-songwriter. Queen is a rock and roll quartet. Prince and Princess Diana are dead.

[FACT CHECK: Everything thus far is true.]

Chaka Khan started out as the lead singer of Rufus in 1973. They charted with “Tell Me Something Good” in 1975. In 1979, they revisited the charts with “I’m Every Woman”.

In 1985, Chaka Khan’s solo career took off with “I Feel For You”. Hard to miss when you’ve got Stevie Wonder playing the chromatic harmonica solo (maybe a euphemism), Grandmaster Melle Mel rapping your name, and Barry Manilow on background vocals. By the way, Prince wrote it. It was originally written for Patrice Rushen, who basically turned down a hit gold record.

[FACT CHECK: Like the Spandau Ballet song, “True”.]

In 1991, Chaka Khan took her earnings and tried her hand at being an entrepreneur. She created Chaka Khandiments for the up and coming Planet Hollywood restaurants. Khan said in an Ebony interview. “People like to put lots of things on their food. Planet Hollywood was happening. I wanted in on some of that. Someone said condiments, then, I said Chaka Khandiments. The rest is history.”

Khan used her celebrity connections and created Rosanna Arquettechup, Famous Amostard and Colonel Mustard, Meltorméyo, Ringo Starrtar Sauce, Donna Summer Salt, Howard Cosellery Salt, Teri Garrlic Powder, Phyllis Dillweed, Nutmeg Ryan, Jack Lemmongrass, Irene Caraway Seed, Jack Paarmesan Cheese, Pete Rosemary, George Takeiyenne Pepper, Ho Chi Mint, Scott Baioleaves, Mort Sahlsa, and many many more.

Unfortunately, Chaka Khandiments took the same route Planet Hollywood did: south, then bankrupt.

[FACT CHECK: Not one shred of truth except for the fate of Planet Hollywood.]

Chaka Khandiment

/chäk/ə/ /kän/də/mənt/

proper noun

brand of substance such as salt or ketchup that is used to add flavor to food

synonyms: dressing, president’s best friend, hider of marginal cooking

“There just ain’t enough Chaka Khandiments to make that piece of decomposing-quickly-into-garbage tuna salad edible.”

“The Trump Hotel uses Chaka Khandiment packets they acquired from a hostile takeover of a Planet Hollywood, and relabeled them Trump Roast Betterer.”

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