NFL Predictions for Week 4


If week three of the 2017 NFL Season has taught us anything, it is that politics do not belong in football, unless it’s the politics of dancing, the politics of ooh feeling good in the end zone after a touchdown. More attention was spent on who was kneeling, locking arms, or staying in the locker room during the National Anthem than the actual game itself. Allow me the privilege to be frank, “The Star Spangled Banner” is an overrated song. Compare that bullshit ditty to “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” by Iron Butterfly, and every day, I have no compunction in saying, Iron Butterfly wrote a better tune than Francis Scott Key. And the lyrics are pretty contrived, in short archaic and sucky.

Pardon my French, but ferme ta fucking bouche, current President of the United States, Trump. He seems to be the sort of guy who puts Tabasco™ in coffee, or 70 year-old men in female beauty pageant dressing rooms. Sure, with enough force you can jam a square peg in a round hole, but it doesn’t make it right. The fact that he accepts this as a remote possibility makes him an immoral jagoff.

While people be protesting in and around and about the NFL son of a bitches, I be predicting the games of week 4. So put on your gambling pants, get your bookie on the phone, and let’s go.

Chicago Bears (1-2) at Green Bay Packers (2-1) By definition, a packer is one that packs, and a bear is a savage ferocious mammal. Assuming that The Packers will not be “carrying” firearms, Bears should handily maul and de-gut cheese head Packers. If Green Bay can stop the running game, they will win and dominate the NFC Central division until they face Detroit.

PREDICTION: Packers at home are like the Hydra, kill one head and it is replaced by three more. Bears will be decimated and made near extinct, while Packers lose a few limbs.

New Orleans Saints (1-2) and Miami Dolphins (1-1) in England As long as this game is not played underwater, the Saints will manhandle the Dolphins using all their tools, netting and plastic six-pack holder rings. Don’t let the name Saints fool you for one minute. They are devious and calculating under the arm of Brees. Since they are in England, they will grandstand and hunt the Dolphins, catch them, grind them up, eat them, and vomit them up for the sport of it.

PREDICTION: Saints destroy all Dolphins, and for good measure, snag some tuna.

Jacksonville Jaguars (2-1) at NY Jets (1-2) Jets feel no pain. They are made of metal, plastic and rubber. Jaguars will tire out and their claws will break on the propellers.

PREDICTION: A tie, 0-0.

Tennessee Titans (2-1) at Houston Texans (1-2) Don’t mess with Texas is all well and good, but don’t be stupid, don’t mess with Titans. All it takes is one well-placed Titan gigantic step, and smoosh, there goes a gaggle of Texans in one profound bloody stomp. This game could be close, if Texans organize and use their brain instead of brawn. Just kidding, the odds of that happening is nil considering how brainless Texans are.

PREDICTION: Titans demolish Texans like Godzilla does Tokyo.

Carolina Panthers (2-1) at New England Patriots (2-1) This match-up is an absolute free-for-all. Expect the Patriots to load up all their muskets. All it takes is one lucky Panther to get in a good swipe, and watch the Patriots crumple as they try to reload.

PREDICTION: You pick. Weather may be a big factor in the outcome. It may come down to who’s the bigger pansy: Newton or Brady. This game may end in a tie.

Detroit Lions (2-1) at Minnesota Vikings (2-1) Very similar to the previous game. Man vs. nature is hard to determine. If this were a straight-up mane competition or if Lions could hold weapons in their bulky paws, hands down, Lions win. Next to Huns, Vandals, and Whigs, the Vikings are savage killing machines who wear flagons on their heads. If they don’t drink too much mead, Vikings win.

PREDICTION: If Bradford is healthy enough to steer this ship, expect a Vikings win, otherwise, this is a duel to the death that ends in a tie.

Cincinnati Bengals (0-3) at Cleveland Browns (0-3) This is as abstract as it gets, but the result is as plain as the nose on your face, which is to say, your schnozz is goofy looking. As a rule, colors are much stronger than any member of the animal kingdom. How does a Bengal even attempt to prepare for this match up? Watch tapes? Browns will befuddle the bejeezus out of the Bengals. This game will be much better than their records indicate, for the fight for who is the worst can be as entertaining as the fight for the best.

PREDICTION: Browns will sauté Bengals, Bengals will be delicious skewered and shish kabobed.

LA Rams (2-1) at Dallas Cowboys (1-1) There is no doubt in my mind that the Cowboys will wrangle, tame and brand the mindless Rams. Expect no casualties, just a good old school yee-haw rodeo time. If we are fortunate, we will see Rams ramming into each other like how Moe of the Three Stooges bonks and forces the heads of the other two to butt.

PREDICTION: A rootin’-tootin’ yippy-ki-yay shoot your guns in the air like you just don’t care time. Cowboys 41, LA Rams 6.

Philadelphia Eagles (2-1) at LA Chargers (0-3) It all depends on which Chargers show up: the ones who buy everything on credit or the ones who provide electricity or the ones who blindly run into things. Assuming the latter shows up, the Eagles will use their strong air attack. Watch Charger after Charger run into the Eagles talons. If this is your sort of humor, you are going to laugh your rear off.

PREDICTION: If the electricity Chargers show up, this will be a close game, but the Eagles can be insulated, and will prevail.

NY Giants (0-3) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1) Overall, size matters, but in this case, size with faulty execution and incompetence loses big. That’s why the Buccaneers will loot the Giants booty and arrrgh their way to victory.

PREDICTION: On any given Sunday, this game can go haywire and idiocy can turn to luck and the Giants will get their first win. If Arrrgh Kelly, the pirate’s favorite rapper, shows up, it gives the Bucs the celebrity endorsed insurance they need to win.

San Francisco 49ers (0-3) at Arizona Cardinals (1-1) 49ers are a stupid lot. They were miners hoping to cash in on the Gold Rush in 1849. As we have learned in history, they failed. History repeats itself as we imagine the Cardinals are the birds from the movie Birds by Alfred Hitchcock. The 49ers are the gas station. Explosions and mayhem ensue. A conclave of cardinals fly away unscathed. Days later, they find unidentifiable charred body parts of the 49ers.

PREDICTION: Cardinals at home are like their namesake, they will kill you dead in order to protect their young.

Indianapolis Colts (1-2) at Seattle Seahawks (1-2) The Seahawks systematically swoop and peck at the joints of the Colts. By the second half, the Colts collapse every time they try to walk. The Seahawks dip their beaks in salt and gouge out the Colts’ eyes.

PREDICTION: Colts without Andrew Luck stink on the road. Seahawks offense has been limp. Consult a psychic for the results.

Washington Redskins (2-1) at Kansas City Chiefs (3-0) This game is the equivalent of man vs. Superman, and the Chiefs are Superman. They will win easily with a strong specials team, Kareem Hunt, and an indomitable defense. The Redskins are suffering from guilt over their team name.

PREDICTION: Even if the Redskins find kryptonite, it will only slow down the Chiefs a little, but not enough. Chiefs 432, Redskins -2. [FACT CHECK: If everyone on a team dies, they are automatically given a negative 2 rating. It only happened once in NFL history after the NY Giants literally and figuratively crushed the New England Patriots in 1978.]

3 thoughts on “NFL Predictions for Week 4

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