Goodness Gracious, It’s Confucius


Confucius [551 BC – 479 BC] said, “It is not over until it is properly concluded.”

On that fateful day, Confucius walked into the forest to gather his thoughts. The sky was gray as if it reflected his mood. Discovery must occur each day, or we are as stagnant as the rice water in a dead man’s bowl. He looked at the ground and eyed the ripest apple he had ever seen. He picked it up and held it up to the sky, examining it with great scrutiny. Confucius was very judgmental, in fact, his peers commonly called him the town asshole. It was not uncommon to hear, “Shut the fuck up, Confucius.” It was also not uncommon for Confucius to respond with, “No, you.”

Yellow had never known such vibrancy. This could not stand. He felt a profound emptiness in the pit of his stomach. There had to be a better word to define all this beauty. He would get all up in there and come up with something befitting, as sure as his name was Confucius, because that is how Confucius do.

The only sensible thing to do would be to eat the apple and later describe the experience, so eat he did. He nearly devoured the apple whole, and it was incredible. He minded not the juices dripping in his beard, nor did he mind the few seeds he ingested. He concentrated on the inner peace attained from this sumptuous impromptu meal. He would not compromise this bliss with a half-ass fortune cookie message like he had so many times before. Even Confucius would admit, “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life,” and “Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance” were complete flukes. He knew he was capable of something greater. He wanted a quote that would define his wisdom and live long after his death.

He involuntarily burped silently, and relived the taste of the savory apple. A vision of a rainbow unicorn appeared before him only to gallop out of the woods. Confucius smacked his forehead with the palm of his hand and slowly said out loud, “Do not do to others what you do not want done to yourself.” Happy with this outburst, Confucius returned home as quickly as his feet would carry him, and transcribed the words on a scroll. True to form, it peaked at number one on the Billboard Top Ten Quotes™ for centuries.

The apple made its way into the stomach of Confucius to be met with gastric acids. For the first time, the apple learned what pride meant.


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