The Man And The Moon


The moon said, “Checkmate.” The man stood there, dumbfounded. Minutes later he said, “You’re a checkmate.”

Long into the night, the man debated with the moon over the terms waxing and waning. All the while, growing louder and louder with each shot of cheap bourbon they imbibed. The man claimed that the moon was waxing, and the moon insisted that the man was waning.

It did not matter a lick that they were both correct, for there was still a lot of bourbon left. What the two lacked in intelligence, they more than made up for with their impeccable stamina.

Continue reading

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part


To best understand this story, one must imagine this line and then multiply it by gazillion squared twice, and then minus seven or eight.

As consciousness returned, he found himself standing in a very long line of people. He had no recollection of how, why, where, or what. After about an hour or so, he categorized this whole affair futile. But, he had little to no choice. Wait or step out of line. When he looked behind him, the line was much longer than the one in front of him.

Continue reading

The Penguin Is Mightier Than The Sword


Get woke here first! Penguin porn is making a big comeback in 2020.

If the penguins at the zoo seemed to be acting suspicious this morning, it was because they were. They were planning either a heist or a revolution leading to a coup, whichever occurred first. At the risk of sounding like a close-minded penguinist, it should be cited that all penguins are lazy. Happenstance dictates their behavior. Furthermore, they all look the same, smell like rotting fish and sponge off unemployment like nobody’s business.

Continue reading

The Latest Rage

Flared nostrils

Severe anger may cause flared nostrils, severe unexpected diarrhea, and forgetfulness. If these symptoms occur, consult your doctor immediately, for these side effects may prove to be lethal.

Vince was in the middle of a serious conniption fit. His nostrils were flaring as his breathing went ape shit, fluctuating wildly between long and short breaths. This made his face turn a shade of red somewhere between envy and wrath. As it were, he was the rare one out of six hundred people, who could actually make visible steam come out of his ears, so like a dog who licks itself, he did. His intense gaze, if isolated and taken out of context from the rest of his face, looked like he was choking. His fists were so tightly clenched, they turned ghost white. All the while, he stunk to high hell, for he had avoided showering for a third day.

Continue reading