Liz didn’t give a dingdong about rules. Rules were for sheep and suckers. Rules were just another pair of unworn jeans that cinched in all the wrong places, and hung loose in all the worst places. She was tired of being offended by children pointing at her, asking why she had a tail. Fact of the matter, she had a larger than usual tailbone, which made her very self-conscious. Besides, children are mean assholes.
Initially, I was going to rail on Jada Pinkett Smith. She has no idea what is what anymore. She needs to just shut the fuck up and enjoy the millions of dollars she has the privilege to earn honestly, living the dream of a wealthy scientologist. Publicly crying about not being nominated for an award, a Golden Globe, no less, is deserving of a serious ass-whooping. Obviously, you’ve lost your sense of priority, humility, and reality. Boo-hoo, my caviar is too salty. Boo-hoo, I got a cramp in my hand from counting all my fucking money. Boo-hoo, I miss the taste of baby laxative in my pure rock cocaine. Boo-hoo, old school Disney’s Duck Tales™is so much better than this new computerized shit.
An emoticon utilized by texters to say I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying.
Big Bill and Little Bill laughed uproariously for a solid eighteen minutes. When their guts were not releasing a hearty guffaw, a few words were interspersed; “inheritance, overnight, haunted mansion, crazy Uncle Frederic III, half a million dollars, and hepatitis B.” These interjections only propagated the infectious chortling, and the stuttered attempts to reiterate just made it funnier. A good spit take of a mouthful of warm bottled water to Little Bill’s face added another six minutes of exaggerated chuckling.
2 ft. 4 in. tall, Clarence Chesterfield Howerton
Since Frank quit drinking, he got smaller. It wasn’t gradual. It was immediate, boom. His voice softer. His stance shorter. His smile weaker. His eyes dimmer. If he turned the right way with the perfect lighting, he could disappear into apparent nothingness. He enjoyed fading out of existence.