If It Ducks Like A Quack


bad plastic surgery.jpg

Plastic surgery is like a box of chocolates ravaged in a microwave oven. Just saying.

A parade of ambulance chasers formed a long line outside of Stephanie Kim’s hospital room. She had just received cosmetic surgery to make her inferior Asian eyes bigger (her thoughts, not mine). She wanted less almond-shaped, and more walnut. In three words, she got fucked. If you were inclined to add a fourth word, royally!

Ron Turley, attorney at law as seen on television, stood at her bedside, like a hyena waiting for a bus; odd, greedy and barely appropriate. “I hope you enjoy the flowers I brought you.”

Stephanie looked around as one would after surgery, nowhere and everywhere at once, her head was wrapped with gauze. “Aren’t you that annoying pirate lawyer from those gaudy commercials? Ron Turley, attorney at law as seen on television?”

He cleared his throat, and used a higher pitch, “I assure you. I look nothing like a pirate.” The fact was, he did. From the eye-patch, parakeet on his shoulder down to a peg-leg, he was a spot on stereotype. An added note, there were no flowers in the room.

Like all conniving lawyers, he was taking advantage of her temporary blindness. Opportunity is fresh blood, the lawyers, the sharks, which reminds me of a joke. What is the difference between a lawyer and a piano? The lawyer is a greedy asshole.

In retrospect, Stephanie should have researched her doctor. If she had, she wouldn’t be in this predicament. It turns out that her “doctor” fled the country after it was discovered he was not a doctor at all. She was his last “patient”.

It was now time for the unveiling. She held the hand mirror up to her face, in a manner that the reflection framed only her eyes. As the gauze peeled away, her eyes were unchanged. What the what? She gasped and dropped the mirror. It shattered.

Where once was her nose was something else. It was grotesque, as was the constant scent of Fritos®. She yelped before whipping the blanket off to reveal her bandaged big toe. Her blood-curdling scream could be heard a mile away.

The next day’s headline read, “Seriously? Who the fuck replaces a big toe for a nose, and vice-versa?”

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