Believe it or not, this is better than the alternative, swirling irrational fears concluded by a senseless bullet in the head.

Little did Morton Saltzberg realize, overnight, in a deep sleep, he transformed and woke up as an anomaly. If he had been conscious of the metamorphosis, he would have been ecstatic. He had long desired to deviate from what his peers deemed standard.

But unaware as he was, he was merely confused and agitated, like a bear rudely awoken mid-hibernation. He was ready to smack the first thing he saw. With this, he slapped a lamp off a table. It shattered in the corner and rested atop an enormous dust bunny, bigger than a shoe. This erratic behavior is not to say that Morton freaks out and gets shot dead. [SPOILER ALERT: He does.]

Before falling asleep, he had to fulfill a very calculated hunger consisting of a frozen bag of Great Value® green beans, Tyson® buffalo chicken nuggets, and the secret ingredient, a can of Hormel’s® no-bean spicy chili. He washed it down with a glass of chilled vodka. This was all ingested under the influence of a full moon, the one that the word lunatic is derived from.

In this deranged state, Morton proceeded to seek help. He looked at his unsightly naked self in the mirror, and could not comprehend who or what he had become. He roared, pounding his chest and screamed something that sounded like, “Socialist!” If you ask the rattled neighbor who shot Morton dead in the head, he heard, “So this is it!”

Like most tragic events, one thing led to another and the next thing you know, the scene was swarmed by local media and overtly nosy neighbors.