The original Bert and Ernie before they were mutated and turned into puppets, or as the kids call it, muppets.

Stranger things have happened. She grew on me like a chintzy mustache, so naturally, like sane people tend to do, we got married and had two and a half children, as well as a St. Bernard named Platypus.

We were living the American dream. Malanka worked for the government, testing marital aids for public service announcements, while I pursued my dreams of fluent karate.

After sixty five years of blissful matrimony, I accidentally wrote the greatest Christmas song of the 21st century, outlived my wife and kids, and lived out my days on a 36-dollar-a-day Xanax® addiction.