If you’re over the age of 30, this place will make you feel older, yet not smug.

You could tell that “Shoeless” Joe Jackson was in deep cover. He had shoes and pants on. It is a wonder why pant-less was not part of his nickname. It probably messed up the cadence and assonance or something.

There was a very good reason for his break from normalcy. After years of unemployment, he finally got a job as a secret shopper.

Today, his mission was to infiltrate Spencer’s® and critique the service he receives as a consumer. Things were going to go terribly awry, for Joe was both drunk and about to go off script.

Joe stepped up to the counter with a three-pack of edible panties in a plastic cylinder. “I’d like to return these.”

The teen-age goth girl rolled her eyes without looking at him and responded, “I’m sorry sir, but you can’t return something you haven’t purchased yet.”

It was about to become a game of not acknowledging each other, so Joe made his move. “These don’t taste like wild cherry. It tastes more like wax, or something a dyslexic termite would eat.”

The girl casually picked up the phone, and said, “Security.” Her voice boomed through all the speakers in the mall. This came as a surprise to everyone, especially the security guard who was flirting with the girls at Sbarro®.

Joe panicked and ran out of the store. Not used to moving quickly, nor at all, with shoes, especially pants, he tripped and fell down the up escalator.

Joe incurred many injuries, and died thusly within two hours. The cause of death was embarrassment, but the doctors called it a brain aneurysm.