Back in my day, we used stamps to mail letters, snail mail, and the American bald eagle was bigger than Elvis Presley.

When someone says back in my day, it’s just another way of saying how much the world has changed in his or hers life span. Also, it’s an opportunity to point out that someone needs to shut the fuck up with his or hers trivial nonsense.

When I say back in my day, here are the parameters: I am referencing 1970 to 1980. For those not familiar, it was the decade from 40 years ago.

• Back in my day, the population of the United States of America was 205.1 million, as opposed to today’s 326.8 million. It is this steady growth, which most influences our country’s current woes. One day, you may say, “Back in my day, it only took me an hour to drive to work, as compared to this hour and a half bullshit.” This is a sign of overcrowding an outdated infrastructure. Imagine if you will; a balloon filled to capacity. The precise moment you increase the content, in this case, air, it explodes. Best explained in two words, totally sucks.
• Back in my day, you could make a prank phone call like the lovable cartoon character, Bart Simpson, without the victim knowing your phone number. Without caller ID and answering machines, people were more prone to pick up the phone in the fear of missing out on something important. Because of this flaw in human nature, the prankee was more unsuspecting, thus more flabbergasted when you asked them if their refrigerator was running.
• Back in my day, only birds tweeted. When humans did, it was considered erratic.
• Back in my day, no one said, “It is what it is.”
• Back in my day, the three-second rule of dropped food was the twenty-four-second rule.
• Back in my day, current president of the United States, Donald Trump was still an asshole, just younger.
• Back in my day, with the exception of Roots, television had no right being so captivating with their “safe” Caucasian programming. Proof that competition can wake a complacent beast. A side note, Roots [1977] was an afterthought after the successful nearly all-white cast made-for-TV miniseries, Rich Man, Poor Man [1976]. Another side note, Herbert Jefferson, Jr., black actor, portrayed Roy Dwyer. Yet, another side note, Dick Butkus played Al Fanducci.
• Back in my day, electricity, gas and water were utilities and not the greedy corporation they are today.
• Back in my day, The Opioids were a failed Japanese hockey team.
• Back in my day, scientology was still mostly considered science fiction titled, “Dianetics: The Evolution Of A Science” written by eccentric man, L. Ron Hubbard for the pulp magazine, Astounding Science Fiction.
• Back in my day, the punchline to the joke, “What’s the temperature at John Wayne Gacy’s house?” changed week to week, from 12 below to finally, 33 below.
• Back in my day, it was reasonably okay to use the words: retarded, Oriental, black Negro, faggot, quadrapleej, camel jockey, dot head, stinky Pinko, and midget fuck. Today, if you use any of these words, you are an ignorant, insensitive twerp or a post-ironic rapper.
• Back in my day, sanctuary states were only something straight out of comic books.

Captivating