A Proper Bucket List

“You say you’re even thinkin’ ’bout dying.
Well, before you do anything rash, dig this.”

The Main Ingredient, 1972

I get it, if you’re not thinking about food or sex, you’re probably thinking about dying. It’s nothing to be ashamed about, everybody’s doing it. In fact, just by living, you are actually dying. The only people that are going to live forever are Dick Cheney and “Fame“of song, movie, and TV.

First things first, since it is the 21st century [2017, I know, time flies], you must prioritize perspective and how much time and money you have left (This is on the d/l, max out your credit cards for greater flexibility). There is a math formula app for this, google it. For those of you amazed that it is currently 2017, we have this thing called a bucket list, so grab a sheet of paper, or use the rarely used notepad on your phone, and let’s get to it.

The term bucket list comes from the phrase kick the bucket, a childhood game where one hides and then wins by dying in a spot before they are found.

Half of my bucket list is utterly undoable because time travel has not been invented yet. Let me tell you, that flux capacitor is pure nonsense invented only to jumpstart Huey Lewis’s career. I’m here to help you not make the same mistakes.

An important side note: If, for some reason, your doctor has told you that you only have less than a couple days to live, and you’re not laid up, just go for “it”. A warning, if you want to try heroin, and have never tried it, good luck finding it. Don’t waste the little life you have left looking for “the smack”. By “it”, I mean, do that one thing (time allowing) that you’ve always wanted to try.

Remember, legality is no longer part of your life vocabulary, although it would suck to spend your dying hours in lock up, so be careful and smart about “it”.

The first thing you should put on your bucket list is a destination. Begin with the words, “I want to go to…” then fill in the blank. Don’t use the word past, or general terms like someplace nicer or somewhere else, use specific geographical locations, like Tibet or The White House.

Unless you have good connections, do not make your bucket list hinge around the involvement of a celebrity. These people are busy, and they can’t heed the wish of every dying person. If you’re under the age of 12, and have an incurable disease, your chances are much better. Do it.

If you’re under the age of 12, and have an incurable disease, I’m not sure why you’re reading this.

Be courteous-ish as you expire. Keep in mind, you’re the one dying here, and at a much more rapid pace than those idiots around you. Show slight courtesy and those not dying will get out of the way, and may even help. This is one of those perspective things.

Make your bucket list concise and legible. As you lose your breath, it is very possible that your eyesight will not be what it once was. Imagine the embarrassment of wasting your time in a cemetery, visiting a grave, when what you meant was go to a rave.

Keep in mind, I’m not an expert on the back end of the bucket list. I’m still alive. All I can do is steer you into a logical better path to that bright light.

Like all good profound parables, it is best summed up in a Dennis The Menace comic strip.


#JamesBrownDidn’tHaveABucketList, #JamesBrownThoughtHe’dLiveForeverFool

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