The beet was bawling its eyes out. It was beyond obnoxious. The crying could be heard miles away, and it sounded like a bagful of screaming, caterwauling possums while Megadeth’s “99 Ways To Die” blares on cheap car speakers. The decibels and vibrations combined in such a way that it jiggled one’s body to involuntary nausea.

I know for a fact that the following is vegetablist; all beets are chronic privileged crybabies. Also, they are lazy good for nothing fuck alls. In short, they are bad hombres. The world would be a better place without them, believe me.

All this noise caught the attention of a hungry wolf. In fact, this was the very wolf that the Duran Duran song “Rio” was based on. Rio had no problem with the shrill beet, for he had nothing in his stomach to throw up, so he slowly and slyly approached it. “What seems to be the matter? Why all the distress?”

The beet sniffled, thick snot running down its face, and blubbered, “No one likes me. I am disgusting and no one wants to eat me.” The beet returned to its crying.

The wolf grinned, revealing his sharp fangs. “I will gladly eat you, my little friend.”

The beet bounced up and down with glee, while still crying. “You’ve made me the happiest vegetable.”

Rio leaned forward with his mouth wide open, and the beet’s tears turned from sadness to joy. It was apparent in tone. The wolf chomped on the beet, killing it immediately while taking a large chunk out of it.

Rio chewed voraciously at first, then slowed down, then stopped completely. The expression on the wolf’s face was disdain, which was followed by the wolf spitting out the beet. Then the wolf cleared his throat to spit up as much of the beet as possible. How could anything taste so foul? So much like shit without being called shit? The wolf walked away slowly with his head hung low, leaving behind a partially eaten beet wearing a wry smile.

MORAL: You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but beets are always going to be atrocious.