The bleak landscape of New Jersey, USA.

Prince Stefan’s glassy eyes stared across vast flatlands filled with strip malls, parking lots, and gray skies. So this was America, the land of the free. He was, at best, underwhelmed. It was most puzzling to see so many mattress stores: Mattress Firm®, The Mattress Factory®, Sunrise Mattress®, Sleepy’s®, Raymour & Flanigan Furniture And Mattress Store®, Wholesale Mattress®, Bruce The Bed King®, and Haz-Mattress®. He logically made the assumption that Americans loved to sleep.

America was not at all like the pictures he saw while growing up, nor was it like the television shows he watched in his homeland. Where were the state fairs? Where was the sunlight? The million man marches? The leather-clad thugs smoking cigarettes? The tailgate parties? The senseless shootings? The Fresh Princes of New Jersey or Bel-Air? This was, all this, a gigantic disappointment.

Even though, the Prince was familiar with the saying, “High expectations, boring vacations,” this was beyond pure garbage. He did not expect to see such a racial divide. He kept looking, hoping to find people of different cultures sharing a Coca-Cola®.

Hearing himself sigh only reminded him of how homesick he already was. It had only been less than 20 minutes, and he was convinced that Zambonia was the only home he will ever know. This is what he Yelp™’ed:

DID YOU KNOW? Zambonia is a landlocked country of rugged terrain and diverse wildlife, with many ice rinks and safari areas. On its border with Handryeria is famed Hysteria Falls – indigenously called Whoomoosh, or “Air Hissing Loud” – plunging a misty 108m into narrow Bulimic Gorge. Spanning the Crimea River, pronounced Cry me a river,  just below the falls is Hysteria Falls Bridge, a spectacular viewpoint. The official language of Zambonia is Zambonian, which is actually English, but don’t tell them that.

Zambonian Drive-in Theater

Expect