For the most part, it made perfect sense that Christopher Walker ended up being a superhero. He was white, rich, and bored, and in that order. His parents were killed by wicked carjackers when he was nine. He was raised by a pack of ninja nuns. He was a walking, living superhero origin.

Reasons he donned a cape and cowl to fight crime:

• He had rugged looks. He was not scared to reveal his jaw line. He proved this by wearing a simple domino mask. Someone once told him, “Hey, Christopher Walker, the dumbest thing you could ever do is grow a beard and hide that strong confident jaw.” He listened.
• He was quick with a good quip. This is key. Witty banter will freak out your opponent. Content doesn’t even matter; it’s all about the rapid-fire delivery. He was armed with dad jokes, obscure sit-com trivia, and had no problem going blue, Redd Foxx blue. It was pretty filthy. Remember, Spider-Man minus the wisecracks equals Donald Trump, Jr.
• He had a serious hard-on hate for crime. He best defined his loathing, “Crime is a big stupid head waiting to be smacked. Just so happens, I’m looking for something to smash, something like a very ripe cantaloupe or crime.”
• He had very good fashion sensibility. Not having a lame costume is more than half the battle.
• He was thorough and terse.
• He was brave without being overly foolhardy. He was sensible under duress. He was the type of guy who forged forward, never looking back, yet with great caution. He was no Donald Trump, Jr.

The Knitter knitted this Cosby sweater and saved the fate of an alternate universe.

Alas, good intentions are never enough to fight crime. One needs a decent superpower, something better than the ability to knit proficiently. Christopher Walker, AKA The Knitter, should have knitted himself a bulletproof hat, instead of being shot through the head by a panicked bank robber.

Knit