Don’t believe the hype. There is nothing joyful about being an elf. In fact, better adjectives would be pathetic, pitiful and suicidal. It’s hard to make a legal viable career choice when you are an elf. Options are very limited when you are height challenged and have a crazy high-pitched voice. More so, when you are a registered sex offender.

People think it must be cool to work for Santa Claus, like he’s some embodiment of jolliness with all that ho ho ho-ing. But here’s the thing, his laughter comes from a very sinister place. It sure as hell ain’t from happiness. It’s more from a place of greed, like the madman on the verge of world domination. It’s downright scary. Think about it, Santa is more than an anagram of Satan, and I’ll leave it at that.

My sense of self worth is the absolute worst. Yours would be too, if you worked for a slave driver who always demands more, faster, and never enough. Sadly, I’m talking about my wife. Not a whole lot of options there either. The sex offending thing really messes with your quality of life on every level.

Viable