Did I Say This Is A Pathetic Christmas?

Her eyes were red, moist crimson to be more exact, which by Deidrah Barker’s standards indicates at least twenty minutes of steady crying, or twenty minutes of recovering from tear gas. The skin around her nose was raw and freshly chaffed, pores exposed, on the precipice of premature gin blossoms. It’s worth the extra twenty to seventy cents to go Kleenex® or Puffs®, after all, YOLO.

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Tonight I’m Going To Party Like It’s Christmas In ‘99

Bill_and_Hillary_Clinton_Christmas_Portrait_1999_(cropped1)

Further proof of Christmas in 1999.

Christmas came and went like so many empty calories on the sweatiest day of my life. In the blink of a Korean eye, which everyone knows is a nanosecond shorter than other ethnic blinks. You know, because of the proximity of eyelids in that near perma-squint, which some racists call slants. All I’m saying is that a door half-closed shuts faster than a door wide open.

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The Christmas Cow

christmas cow

“You better watch out, you better not cry. You better not pout, I’m telling you why. Christmas Cow.”

The Christmas Cow brooded. It was the only logical emotional state after eight hours of uncontrollable weeping in a cage intended only to fatten him. For the first time in his short stupid existence, three years, he learned his true purpose, and it had absolutely nothing to do with spreading “spiritual” holiday cheer. Unless, of course, one achieves “spirituality” through dining on prime rib on Christmas Day. It’s a thing. In fact, take a look in the mirror; you may be a contributor.

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The Christmas Loophole

The fake media called it a Christmas miracle. Consider this: the cruelest man who ever lived, boldly dives in front of a bullet intended for an eight-year-old Caucasian girl, sacrificing his life on Christmas day. Regardless of how horrendous he was the other 365 days this year, it was a leap year, this spontaneous change of heart on the day we celebrate Jesus Christ’s b-day, gave him redemption. He was hailed a hero. Amazing how one deed can change one’s wicked biography. The following tale from an alternate universe acts as an antithesis and it comes to you from the Christmas loophole.

 

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