The fake media called it a Christmas miracle. Consider this: the cruelest man who ever lived, boldly dives in front of a bullet intended for an eight-year-old Caucasian girl, sacrificing his life on Christmas day. Regardless of how horrendous he was the other 365 days this year, it was a leap year, this spontaneous change of heart on the day we celebrate Jesus Christ’s b-day, gave him redemption. He was hailed a hero. Amazing how one deed can change one’s wicked biography. The following tale from an alternate universe acts as an antithesis and it comes to you from the Christmas loophole.

Seriously, doesn’t Jim Buffett look like a young Muhammad Ali?

It was Christmas and the snow was coming down hard. Jim was tired and not thinking straight. For the last eight hours, he had been feeding the homeless at the shelter. Instead of waiting for his ride home, he decided to walk. He turned down the alley to avoid potential slush storms from speeding cars. It would prove to be his downfall.

SPOILER ALERT: Jim gets mugged by two kids. They run off with his wallet. He chases after them, and bumps into an oncoming unsuspecting man. That man accepts the terms of force and subsequently succumbs to gravity. He falls backwards and lands smack dab on the back of his head. His brain swells to epic lethal proportions, he dies immediately on impact. The kids get away with $38. The police arrive. Jim is beaten and arrested. Once the police realize who he is, they have no choice but to shoot him dead. They abandon his body in front of a pile of decomposing sweatshop employees and unregistered immigrants. The fake media rearranges the facts for the sake of ratings. Long story short, Buffett dies a year later in prison from unknown causes of head trauma.

Loophole