A Very Nazi Christmas


“In hindsight, I could have had more empathy. History tends to be kinder to those.”

War is hell. Christmas in Nazi Germany, 1941 was proof of that. Ask Dean Von Gundermann. He was twenty-five years old, and a good twenty-five years ahead of his time. He was a misplaced flower child stuck in an oppressive Hitler regime. He would have certainly flourished following around the Grateful Dead on the west coast of America. He would have looked absolutely adorable with long flowing ebony hair, wearing a dashiki or Nehru jacket. Perhaps this would be an appropriate time to start anew as I take a very cold shower.

Dean hated his life. Dean hated his job. Dean hated being Hitler’s personal assistant pastry baker. In fear of execution, he could never think to himself his abhorrence for the man called Adolf Hitler. He felt safe in merely hating the circumstances.

It being Christmas and all, his task was to make 1,000 gingerbread man cookies with Hitler mustaches™. Each cookie he baked tore away at what dignity was left in him.


A brief side note, here is how to recreate the official regulation Hitler mustache™. According to legend, this is how the Führer actually did it. Gently stick two pencils, eraser side up, up your nose. Be very careful not to penetrate the membrane. Nose bleeding may occur. If you are on blood thinners, stop and consult your doctor immediately. Also, consult your doctor before inserting anything up your nose or other orifice, especially light bulbs. If you can’t breathe, remove the pencils immediately. This could lead to serious complications like suffocation and maybe even death. Brain hemorrhages and gassiness are common side effects. If your heart stops beating, or your brain ceases to function, consult your doctor yesterday.

Now that you have the pencils firmly up your nose, the space between the dangling perpendicular lines of the pencils is the official length of the Hitler mustache™. It should be approximately 1 and a half to 2 inches, depending on the width of your nose. If the distance is greater, you may not be an Aryan, and these instructions do not apply. Shave and groom appropriately.

Dean may actually be 77 years ahead of his time. His disdain for Hitler is very comparable to many Americans in 2018. According to many polls, America does not have confidence in their current government. In fact, many have gone as far to claim that they are downright embarrassed. If Hitler was inscrutable, our current president, Donald Trump, is inscrutabler.


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