He was dying. He had less than an hour of life left. Richard Montelban had a short bucket list. One, he wanted to die next to a body of water. Two, he wanted to convey a message. This is why he was at an empty beach.

He dragged his foot along the sand and spelled out in letters approximately ten feet tall, “I Lose.” Before he could add punctuation, he dropped dead, and proceeded to look like a misplaced dash.

Before you spare any sympathy for Richard, it must be clear, he was a despicable man. He punched his 90-year old father-in-law for voting Democrat. He slept with his brother’s wife. He was not only a raging alcoholic; he was a racist. He had thrown everyone he had ever known under a bus at least once. Basically, he was a schnook and a half, who deserved his untimely fate.

Sadly, his message of “I Lose” was really meant to say, “I Loose”. An admission of his ridiculous promiscuity and the inability to control his wanton urges. Richard’s command of the English language was atrocious. To further sadden the moment, after his expiration, an abrupt rainstorm washed away his message, just before the lake sucked in his lifeless body. His bloated body was discovered months later, and his family never claimed his corpse.

Abrupt