The ceiling fan can be as neutral as Switzerland, or as deadly as a shuriken. Use great caution when installing.

Have you ever woken up earlier than you needed to, only to discover one or more of your appendages are missing? Back where I come from, we call that a Dippity Zoo Zah Zay Day. Just to be clear, I shamefully come from America, once a proud country, now a country held hostage by current president, Drama Mama Donald Trump. #NotMyAmerica.

And most certainly, you want to go back to sleep, but there are pressing issues that need to be addressed immediately, like turning off the oven and extinguishing a burnt frozen pizza. And good luck with that Hopalong Cassidy, because where the hell is your right leg and your left arm? Huh?

If anything can be gleaned from all of this; don’t get drunk and play poker with sober medical students who are also cannibals. So instead, you lie there on your back watching the ceiling fan wobble as it whirs and spins. A word of warning, a Dippity Zoo Zah Zay Day is not complete without having that contraption fall out of the ceiling and onto you, shortly followed by asphyxiation from the black smoke filling your apartment.