THIS IMAGE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS STORY! This is just my way of saying Rachel Maddow with a mustache is not a bad thing.

Ezekiel Hammett, sometimes known as Zeke, Zekey, E-Z, or Hambone, put his Cleveland Indians cap on backwards, slapped on too much cologne, and checked his phone. As expected, nothing; but it doesn’t kill you to check, right? He was moving slower than usual. He was still recovering from the constant drain that comes from losing a life-long friend.

A man should never have to make the decision he had to make. Each time you have to choose conviction over logic, you take a stab to the heart, not quite killing you, and before you know it, you think that the world is flat.

Ezekiel was fortunate in that he was neither ugly, nor handsome. He was perfectly average looking like that one actor, you know, that guy, not Philip Seymour Hoffman, but that other guy, you know. A couple of nights ago, he met his female counterpart at Sports Bar. Her name was Naomi, she was cool. He was excited, but at the same time, he was beyond tired dealing with his painful separation. Perhaps it was a bad idea to meet at this time.

Two weeks ago, he broke off all contact with the Nike® corporation, after they launched an ad campaign using the man with the large afro, Colin Kaepernick. This was a most painful decision, for Ezekiel loved his crossfit training, and ask anyone, it’s not the same without the Nike® swoosh to support you. It’s like using a couple of Skittles® in the place of Tums® to fight heartburn; or using two sheets of single-ply no-brand name toilet paper instead of Charmin’s® expecting softness. Saying Do It™ seemed profane now that Nike® was the enemy of the racist.

He felt a very strong connection with Naomi. For once, she could be the girl he’d always dreamed of. Someone he could share his video of burning his betraying Nike® products. Someone he could hold hands with at a white supremacy rally. Aside from being a racist, he also had the herpes. For the first time, he recognized the similarities. You can’t just tell anyone, which makes you wonder who’s really wrong here. Ezekiel had a very difficult time putting on his inferior Avia’s®.