Verbal Gymnastics


A typical day at Trader Joe’s® is like Hawaii on barbiturates, or conversely, Hawaii is like Trader Joe’s® on crack.

Teresa Mannon appreciated the little things in life, and it is with this spirit that she chose to add an ‘a’ to the end of every word she uttered today. For example, “That’s-a swell-a.” Fortunately, Teresa was terse, so there was no risk of her sounding like a raving lunatic. For example, she would never say, “That’s-a nice-a that-a you’re-a taking-a long-a vacation-a, you-a need-a it-a.” Instead, she would just say, “Nice-a.”

Teresa worked at Trader Joe’s®, which is a perfect occupation if one chooses to be a succinct conversationalist in a Hawaiian shirt. On the other hand, it’s a bad job if you’re a long-winded person who only talks about chronic pain and politics. Ask Dale Rodenza, who was fired after two hours of employment.

Teresa was called in to the manager’s office. She was hoping for a raise, instead it was another reprimanding session.

Mr. Blake, the district manager, could not make eye contact with Teresa. This was not a good sign, yet this did not stop him from talking. “We’ve been getting complaints about your recent racial slurs.”

Teresa shrugged her shoulders, “I’m-a just-a spicing-a things-a up-a.”

Mr. Blake removed his wire-rimmed glasses dramatically. “The problem here is you’re inadvertently making fun of Italians (which he pronounced Eyetalians). Just like you replaced your l’s with r’s and vice versa last week, and the week before, you over-pronounced your long e’s, and the week before that, you made every statement a question, and the week before that…”

For the next hour, Mr. Blake reviewed Teresa’s behavior for her three years of employment at Trader Joe’s®.

After being dismissed, Teresa frantically searched for a fourth wall to penetrate so she could wink and say, “I’m-a such-a bad-a girl-a.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s