Going Through The Hand Motions


More people die from wood chipper accidents annually than people killed by alligators.

Guiseppe Winnipeg was in a serious pickle. You see, in order for Guiseppe to speak, he needed to use his hands. He had to gesticulate, otherwise, he was reduced to stammering and resorting to saying things like whaddayah call them things, or you know that guy, the guy, that guy. Since he could not snap his fingers, he was utterly useless, like a lighter with fresh flint and zero butane.

It was not a coincidence that he shared his name with the greatest hockey player who ever graced the rink, Guiseppe Vitrioli. His parents were the biggest hockey fans on the east coast, possibly the world. He was thankful to not have the name Puck, which was foisted on his younger homely sister. He often thought if she had any other name, she might not have been deprived of beauty.

All of this mattered not one bit, for Guiseppe had something urgent to say, and could not articulate it, not without his hands! Long story short, his clumsy hands and arms met a grisly demise after meeting a wood chipper. And wouldn’t you just know it, he was choking, and trying to say Heimlich maneuver.

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