The only thing more exciting than a flow chart is a flow chart on fire or in the process of being crumpled.

Welcome to Sungmokoo.com’s choose your own adventure. For those of you not in the literary loop of reading gimmicks, choose your own adventure is a narrative where the reader answers multiple-choice questions to obtain one of many probable storylines. And now, “Unique, Oblique, And Greek Bleak.”

Choose your starting point:

A) Like a sports car is capable of going from 0 to 60 mph in seconds, so too did Rusty Black’s plight go from bad to worse.

B) It has been said many times that bad things come in threes. Rusty Black is living proof that you can’t count bad things when it’s continuous and constant.

C) It went from bad to worse, and then from worse to some indefinable depth of despair for Rusty Black.

D) Rusty Black was a depressed Aleutian. He was having a difficult time with his runny scrambled eggs.

At first, he thought he was experiencing the side effects from any of the pharma-commercials from the television. He had a fever, thus sweating, a headache, trouble swallowing, high blood pressure, and an overly increased heart rate. What was most concerning, he was not taking any medicine.

A) He wiped a tear from his eye. It was thick, and it was not saline, for it was actually blood. He wept and more red oozed from his sockets.

B) He tried to swallow, but instead choked, which led to violent spasms and coughing until he spit up a bloody hairball about the size of a small avocado. His immediate thought was, this was not good.

C) The phone buzzed on the table. The vibration caused everything to rattle and fall to the floor. Upon checking the settings, he was mildly amused that the vibration was set to 6.5 on most Richter scales.

D) He decided it was finally time to see the doctor for his annual check up, and by annual, he meant the last time he saw a doctor was at least eight years ago.

Rusty Black stood up faster than he should have, or rather, he should not have tried to stand at all. Although he was not a religious man, he prayed with all his might to no avail. Instead, he fell face first into a water bowl.

A) The splash of water revived him, but he was dreadfully paralyzed. He died consciously drowning.

B) He hit his head on the lip of the bowl causing it to flip in such a one-in-a-million manner that when it landed, it sparked, which due to a slow gas leak, caused problems. An explosion ensued. His nose ended up in a large pot of spaghetti sauce miles away.

C) He was surprised by the lack of consequences, as it dawned on him that he was suffering from lockjaw, or tetanus. He should have known immediately after he first felt the facial spasms, or as snooty doctors say, risus sardonicus. He felt stupid for not recognizing the obvious symptoms.

D) He lapped up the water and smiled. It’s important to drink at least a half-gallon of water a day. Proper hydration maintains a healthy body.