Gin rummy is the second best thing to do between two people. The first being, a classic duel.

Arthur and Tina were playing gin rummy on a blistering hot lazy Sunday. A baseball game without sound was playing on the extremely large television. A time before central air conditioning must have been pure hell. Arthur’s hand cramped up, so he set down his cards. “Do you remember Morris the Cat?”

Tina pursed her lips as she laid down the Ace of Hearts. “Of course I do. It/he was the spokesperson/cat for 9 Lives® cat food and made his first appearance in 1968. Why?”

Arthur picked up the Ace. “I never liked Morris the Cat. He’s the reason this world went straight to shit. When cats can be all finicky like that, and we have to attend to its needs, like the cat is royalty. Shoot me.”

Tina smiled knowing he was going to pick the Ace up. “At least he’s not as obnoxious as that damn Xyzal® owl. Just because it is wearing a monocle, doesn’t mean it’s all that. And whom the fuck says, hour twelve? It’s God damn twelfth hour. This is why I’m glad we never had kids.”

Arthur laid down the Jack, Queen, King and Ace of hearts, then laid down a two of clubs while nodding. “Agreed.”

Tina picked up the two of clubs. “Don’t even get me started on that Geiko® Gecko puke or that fucked up cat with that fucked up face on that kitty litter commercial.”

The cat, Felicity, jumped up on the table, scattering the cards all over the place. To the amazement of Arthur and Tina, it stood up on its hind legs and paced before saying, “Seriously? Seriously? You two are going to diss animal spokespersons for television ads?” Felicity paused, expecting feedback. There was none. “You want to judge these animals for doing a job? Come on now, you have no right.”

Arthur and Tina looked at each other. Unable to do anything but sit there, slack-jawed and silent, Felicity continued. “As long as Paul Ryan, the 54th Speaker of the House is a human being, you people can’t judge anybody. He is the textbook wienie. He’s that guy who helps out a murderer, and later reveals he thought the murderer was incompetent, only to realize he admitted to helping commit a murder. Seriously, fuck that guy. It greatly discerns me that I agree with your freakishly orange-skinned leader. Ryan is weak, ineffective and stupid.”

Felicity spit up a hairball, jumped down from the table, and sashayed off down the hallway, never to speak again.

Tina laid down all her cards and won the game.

The only reason I wrote this story was so I could post a picture of my cat, Puppy, when she was a kitten.