When Fantasy Football goes awry


There was absolutely no doubt about it. It was/is a bad year for the NFL. What, with the whole kneeling during the national anthem controversy and all of its political implications, and how about the whole evasion of head-on collisions causing brain cancer. Ask any US President, and he’ll gladly tell you that football is definitely failing, just look at the horrible ratings.

No one knew this more than John Rice, or as he is known in his fantasy football league, The Spokane Spittoons. He was in 16th place out of 30 and on an upward trend, except that he lost Aaron Rodgers last Sunday afternoon. Why are collarbones so damn fragile? This is why you don’t build a fantasy team on one player. John had to go for it, and he had an outside of the box scheme. It was a risky venture for two reasons: it was stupid and it was racist.

He changed his team name to Karma Koalas Kare before making his starting team all white players. It was a bold play. Like his father once told him, “One does not make an omelet without cracking eggs, stirring and mixing up the yolk and white, while melting some butter on a hot skillet, pouring the batter into the pan and turning down the heat, waiting for the bottom to settle and harden before gently folding it over.”

And seriously, what did it matter? There’s no chance of winning now. In this league, finishing last is more redeeming than finishing 16th. Actually, if you don’t place, coming in 4th to 30th is plain losing. What’s the point of fantasy when you’re not letting your freak flag fly? You play for the fun of it, not to be a good statistician or accountant.

That Sunday evening, it came as no surprise that John had his ass handed to him by The Virginia Monologues. The only upside: John’s kicker performed better than expected that afternoon. The only downside: John was kicked out of the league.

Funny story, true, John’s back up quarterback was Cam Newton. For the sake of making a point, he did not start a quarterback.


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