Fan Fiction with McGruff, Garofalo, & Ruffalo™


And so it came to be, McGruff the Crime Dog™ known for taking a bite out of crime had fallen out of favor and out of a job. Representing crime prevention was a sweetheart deal, and with it, came a healthy lifestyle that unemployment was not going to support.

As he waited in the unemployment line, it was not surprising that he ran into Jeanine Garofalo. They had met back in 1996 on the set of The Truth About Cats And Dogs. Long story short, McGruff’s™ big screen acting debut ended up on the editing floor, not even appearing on the extended cut blooper’s reel.

After catching up and reviewing each other’s fate, it was decided, they would open up a detective agency for unsolved hate crimes against animals. McGruff™ was pleased with this idea, it was, after all, his true calling. Before his career as a spokesperson, he was a young up and coming detective. Garofalo, on the other hand, was pleased, because she was desperate for any gig that did not include dish washing. Her qualifications were truly limited. As impressive as her acting resumé appeared, a person without talent will eventually be ferreted out.

McGruff and Garofalo™ began with a bang. Unfortunately, it was just a barrage of phone calls wondering what the hell they were about. It was agreed, they would change their name to McGruff and Garofalo Detective Agency™. The phone stopped ringing. In the equation of success, there is no room for irrelevance. Sad, but true, McGruff and Garofalo™ had no hint of relevance.

They were on the verge of eviction, when McGruff™ had an idea. First he took care of his idea, kicking Garofalo in the shin, and then he looked up an old friend, Mark Ruffalo. It just so happened that Ruffalo was at the local Wal-mart™ promoting the Incredible Hulkro™, industrial sized green Velcro® that gets stronger as it gets angrier.

Ruffalo was on the phone with his agent, “There is absolutely no fucking way I’m doing Now You See Me 3! How much?” Ruffalo looked up and saw McGruff and Garofalo™. Ruffalo swiped off his agent, “McGruff™, you’re looking… haggard.”

The trenchcoated dog responded with a gentle laugh. “Ruffalo, good to see you’re still an asshole.”

Garofalo shied away and mumbled, “Ruffalo.”

Ruffalo replied, “Garafolo.”

There was an awkward moment of silence. Flashback to 2001, shortly after 9/11: At a party hosted by Ian McKellan, the actor who portrayed Gandalf The Gray™, Garofalo had her feathers ruffled when Ruffalo did not introduce her to James Gandolfini, who was dressed as a giraffe. No one told him it wasn’t a costume party. Hollywood grudges are rarely mended, but for the sake of the survival of McGruff and Garofalo™, prides had to be swallowed.

McGruff™ explained to Ruffalo their predicament. What their operation was missing was the credibility factor and relevance. Ruffalo was the missing ingredient they needed for success. Ruffalo mulled it over, and said out loud, “Well it’s either this or Spotlight 2. Seeing that I’m a damn activist, I’m in.”

And so, McGruff, Garofalo & Ruffalo Detective Agency™ was born. Will they succeed? Will they get along or end up killing each other? I can only tell you this, only the future knows.


2 thoughts on “Fan Fiction with McGruff, Garofalo, & Ruffalo™

  1. Pingback: Ask McGruff | The Home Of DJ Sung Mo Koo

  2. Pingback: Author Interview – Matt Seeley – “Syndrome” (Contemporary Poetry) | toofulltowrite (I've started so I'll finish)

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