Ask McGruff

McGruff the Crime Dog is a bloodhound. He likes to wear a rumpled trench coat. Since July 1980, with the aid of the National Crime Prevention Council, he has increased crime awareness in the United States through millions of dollars worth of public service announcements. When he’s not answering your questions, he is a freelance crime fighter with Janeane Garofalo and Mark Ruffalo. Sometimes, they team up with San Francisco 49ers quarterback, Jimmy Garoppolo.

Dear McGruff,

Long time reader here, and I love how you know something about everything. It is uncanny on so many levels. I’d like some help in settling a bet. Did Rudy Giuliani ever sport a mustache? I don’t think a guy like that would ever have the balls to pull it off. My friends beg to differ. We checked the corrupt internet and could not find a definitive answer. Help.

Thanks in advance,
Curious In St. Paul

Dear Curious,

Thanks for reading and being a responsible citizen. Spreading misinformation from the internet is ignorant and should be a criminal offense. Keep up the good work and for taking a passive bite out of crime.

Having said that, the following is hearsay, and not necessarily a truth. Nonetheless, it is entertaining and sounds true.

When Giuliani was an up and coming lawyer back in the 18th century, he sported a stylish mustache, but this was a time when cameras were not yet invented, so there is no photographic evidence.

Giuliani was with a group of fellow lawyers, pompousing things up in a New York tavern. They were, of course, discussing the paradoxes of law, and when it was his turn to speak, his mustache had a different idea.

It detached itself from under his nose and somersaulted onto the table landing on its end. It made a proclamation, and here I paraphrase, “All of you are chortling jackasses! I am too good for your like.”

It jumped into the fireplace leaving behind a stench of burnt hair. From that point on, Giuliani was incapable of growing facial hair.

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