Ask McGruff

McGruff the Crime Dog is a bloodhound. He likes to wear a rumpled trench coat. Since July 1980, with the aid of the National Crime Prevention Council, he has increased crime awareness in the United States through millions of dollars worth of public service announcements. When he’s not answering your questions, he is a freelance crime fighter with Janeane Garofalo and Mark Ruffalo. Sometimes, they team up with San Francisco 49ers quarterback, Jimmy Garoppolo.

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Introducing Rudy Giuliani In The Role Of Television Attorney Of Law


If this guy wasn’t somebody, he would just be someone’s crazy grandfather.

If I have learned anything in the last two years, it is this: if you’re going to be a lying-all-the-time lowlife liar, you need a good lawyer. If you’re worst than that, you need a good TV lawyer. Of course I am speaking of current president of the United States himself dictator wannabe Donald “Jag Off” Trump and his spin doctor/untruthful representative/TV lawyer, Rudy Giuliani.

Before proceeding, it is important to clarify. There is no such thing as perjury on television. The only true crime is low ratings. A TV lawyer doesn’t have to be competent, just entertaining. It helps if you have animated facial expressions that resemble someone having a stroke. The more you can repeat a lie, the more you shadow the truth.

Keeping all this in mind, this is what would happen if someone ever accused Trump of being a cannibal.

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Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood?


Employee of the month: Steven Mnuchin. Apparently Mnu means no, thus, no chin, as in, Yes, we have Mnu bananas.

Try as you might, it is impossible to ignore this guy, the current president of the United States, “Dodging” Putin’s puppet, Donald Trump. I swear, one day in the distant future, we will all agree that Trump was the Pauly Shore of presidents, and we’ll all be wondering, “Who’s Pauly Shore?”

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