2020: The Year, Not The ABC News Variety Show, Nor Perfect Vision

We are three years away from the much-anticipated Year of the Rat. The year 2020 promises prosperity and answers to the age-long mystery: Why? According to the Chinese, give the round eyes more sweet and sour sauce packets and make them beg for the hot mustard. Yet, as profound as the Chinese profess to be, that is not the answer.

In order to answer a question correctly, a question must first be formulated. Duh. The question at hand is simple: Why the year of the rat?


The anthropomorphized career status of Harvey Weinstein.

Rats are persistent creatures with horrible stereotype baggage; they are the Harvey Weinstein of the animal kingdom. They are dirty, stinkin’, two-faced, double-crossing, no-good, lying, sex-assaulting, swindling, rabies-infested, shit-eating, leave-the-toilet-seat-up, gossiping, underhanded, toupee-sporting, scurrying, traitorous, lazy, bragging, filthy, covetous, thieving, vermin racist fucks.

DID YOU KNOW? Rats can hold their breath for up to three minutes and can tread water for up to three days straight. Think about that the next time you have a rat in a stranglehold. That’s more than 80 Mississippi’s for sure, Larry.

The Year of the Rat (The 2020 version) is so much more than a “Weird Al” Yankovic song parody of Al Stewart’s “The Year Of The Cat”. It is the year of the metal rat, and when you put those words together, who can forget the 1980s hair band, Ratt? In truth, I did.

DID YOU KNOW? Ratt’s music video for “Round And Round” featured Milton Berle, whose nephew Marshall Berle was Ratt’s band manager at the time.

2020 represents so much, almost too much. It is a statement of a society living in the era of science fiction created in the early 20th century. We’ve outlived Orwell’s visionary“1984”, Kubrick’s “2001: A Space Odyssey” and we approach Verne’s “20,000 Leagues Under The Sea”. By all means, we are living out our grandparents’ future, where the more things change, the more they stay the same. Sure, we can stream data like nobody’s business, but at what cost? Look at your 21st century phone bill for the answer.

I ain’t gonna lie, 2020 is going to be a kickass year of partying like it’s 1999 all over again. Rats have seriously got it going on. If we are the personification of rats on a sinking ship, if you’re not stoned, you’re just sinking and drowning.

SPOILER ALERT: We are all going to die and pay taxes. Until then, have a good time.



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